This is a post which will stay as a draft and not make it on to the journal. I have been watching oprahs webcast on "getting back on track" and they discussed something about whether you think your worthy of losing the weight. I think this really is a clincher for me, and not only do i wonder if im worthy to lose the weight but worthy of other things in my life (such as a relationship) now what they said was go back to your childhood cos this is when the "unworthy" thoughts would have been planted and while not blaming anyone work out why those seeds were planted. When i think about this i recall two things. One was that my mum often thought i was lying about things. An example I remember distinctly was over my hair. My hair is thick and has always grown really well (my eyebrows are a testament to that lol) anyway i remember this time mum noticed these shorter parts of my fringe...and mum said i had cut them,...now i knew darn well i hadnt but she wouldnt listen and there was no rational way of talking to her...she had made her mind up and that was that....my thoughts, opinion and more importantly facts didnt count. I still have wispy bits that grow to this day. I truly think when i have had interactions like that it as prolly ingrained into me my thoughts/opinion dont count. And still till today i still put her feelings above mine...even if something really upsets me if bringing up the subject with mum means i mite hurt her feelings then i wont...i will simply try and bury that topic or ignore it or deal with it by myself. Why are her feelings more important then mine? Partly it prolly comes down to knowing my mum...knowing whatever she makes her mind up about thats it...theres no compromise or rational discussion. I still think that the fact I told her about what my uncle did the night of my dads funeral and her not believing what i told her just sealed this deal. It comes back to how she has often treated me...she thinks i have lied a lot of my childhood and doesnt seem to get that 90% of the time she accused me of lying i was telling the truth (we all know kids lie at some points and well i was no angel =]) she took away from me that ability of going to a parent and saying this happened and knowing that i would be believed, while she didnt trust me she took away my ability to trust and feel safe with her. No wonder by the time i was 17 i KNEW i would not end up in a relationship or married....i just knew id spend my adult years alone...if my mum couldnt trust me and believe me why would anyone else? And ultimately if i couldnt put that faith in mum the one who gave birth to me why would i in anyone else??? No wonder i turned to food...no matter what it was always there...it didnt accuse me of lying, it didnt love me any less for whatever mischief i got into, it was reliable and no matter what going on was always there to make me happy. You know what? She made mistakes she may not realise it or agree but there are many mistakes i feel she made and she made them NOT ME....theres no reason why i should continually abuse myself with the food. Food is no longer my friend, real people are my friends these days, its also time for me to accept my mum is human,,,,yeh she stuffed up....but she lives her life and i live mine...its time for me to control my life...and not let the food and mum control me. Its time for me to embrace this and all life has to offer....yeh there was many a shit years when i was a child living under my mums roof...but guess what i live under my roof now and i control it. I need to push myself even more....over the last 7 weeks or so i havent been out...next friday nite there is a girls nite out at mojo west...i will be going,...i will have a huge smile on my face...i will have eaten well and exercised well all week and i will thrive in the company of my friends (who i have neglected a bit lately) I really need to focus even after i posted such a positive post last nite 5 minutes later i was sitting there thinking i need to make a decision....well ive made the decision....i dont want this life no more ! I want to be fit and healthy, i wanna be happy, i wanna be excited not about one thing in my life but about many, about my niece and nephews, about going out with friends, crushes on girls and maybe even the right one, going out dancing, feeling so exhausted from working out at the gym, catchng up with friends for dinners, movies what not, spending time in my lil garden....and just simply looking forward to the new life i am DETERMINED to build...cos its a life that only me and me only can create....just watch me do it.
BTW i decided to post this post....once i got typing i knew it was something i needed to put on the journal that i can read again in the future.
And one other thing my sister just pointed out to me, whilst mum didnt believe me she never allowed me or my sister to be in the situation where we were in my uncles company again...my sister whole heartedly believes what i told mum had something to do with this decision...and i must admit hearing that and thinking about that....is a good feeling that she did put that protection there.