Ive always thought I am a pretty logoical person..a realist even...and I am, in the moments where I am alone and just think...or when a friend comes to me with a question or for advice...I can see the logical and sensible thing to do....so why don't I do it when it comes to myself????
This last week has be the accumulation of a gathering of so much info and carryon in my head. I have discovered living a "hermit" lifestyle... for me at least is easy. I did it for so many years I lost count, you don't have to worry about what to wear, you don't have to put thought to do my legs need a shave, you don't have to worry about being rejected, or being the wallflower...or just thinking wtf am I doing here...I dont belong here. Its nice...its easy...its not drama filled and generally costs you nothing (well I guess except ultimate happiness) As I have said on previous posts throwing myself into a social life like I have over the last few months has done my head in, in some ways. Logically I hear my friends tell me that I am a good person, that people like being around me, that I have friends....but my self perception side questions why on earth anyone would want to be involved with me...when will my friends finally click and stop inviting me out...when there is all the other people in the world why on earth would someone pick me to be with??? Now this isnt a post for a pile of people to comment and go "oh your wonderful kazz blah blah blah" I truly have so much going on in my head at the moment and feel I need to get this down in writing and then maybe I will start to make some sense of things.
I am lonely. No denying it. And its only the last few weeks i have realised this and the only time in my entire adult life I have ever admitted this. FInding a partner was initially a huge part of me commencing this weight loss journey....when i am hermitting myself ... i can sit there and think yes at goal i am going to meet this wonderful girl who is going to look at me and be astounded that someone could be as slim, and wonderful as I am and sweep me off my feet (all said with tongue in cheek lol) then there is the fact that i have thrown myself into my social life...no im not at goal weight...and of course no one has landed on my doormat saying they are here to sweep me off my feet. But I think now that I have stepped into this social life there is the realisation that what my ultimate goal for my weight loss has been may never happen. I may never meet someone who I can feel at peace with and simply love. And so when I have those moments of clarity when I think about this it ultimately leads me too wtf am i doing this then???? Now of course there is my health, but despite however much I weigh I am pretty healthy and have no major health dramas. Truly right at this moment I dont think I am in the complete and correct headspace place to lose the weight successfully.
Do I need counselling? I suspect yes...but at the same time I am terrified of that. Terrified of walking into a office and sitting down...and how do I go about that first sentance with this person I dont know...I have a mother who when I mentioned counselling to her said...and how is talking going to help you to lose weight...to be honest i have a mother who really knows nothing about what goes on inside of me...and to be honest that pisses me off...pisses me off that she chose not to believe certain things that happened in my past, and pisses me off that she allows herself to be influenced so much by people around her that she cant bear to hear the words "this girl i dated".
I am planning to cancel my gym sessions this week. Part of me feels i am wasting theres and my time. I know Im not in the right head space and something has to change. And I am divided on this. Part of me thinks the answer is to get some counselling and having a chat to my doctor...part of me thinks i should throw the social life in...and part of me thinks i need to just go sit in a corner and let all this stuff filling my head to just fall out and start afresh. I want it all tho, i want the weight loss, i want the social life, i want the gf, and i want that life were im just damn happy and have everything going for me....geeez im not asking for that much ;) anyway i need to get this all down...i need to sort this chit out in my head and i know me and know writing it down is the way to do it so bare with me this week as i do this.
This week as I mentioned the other day another friend is leaving work....am I bummed about this ? You betcha ! I have concerns about the environment I work in...concerns that I can go to work on a daily basis and be in a positive environment where I can have the odd laugh/joke.
PS for the person who asked what is STGTBT .... they are a series of cookbooks called "symply too good to be true" that can befound at australian newsagents that have some fabulous low fat recipes.