Saturday, January 27, 2007

Well...was sitting down watching a episode of oprah today i recorded that got me really thinking. It was about women who had let themselves go...due to either a bad relationship or whatever. And Oprah asked the question to look at photos from 10-15 years ago....and it really got me thinking to how my life is different. I mean 20 years ago i was 19. I was out socially a lot about a size 16 and living on fast food. Until i was about 25 i went out nightclubbing a lot...but i guess i could see the start of bad habits now...sleeping during the day...up all night...then at 21 i joined the bank...i had a couple of relationships at this time 9with guys no less !) One was luke he was in the navy and another was a off and on situation with a guy i had known since i was 15 whose name was ray. Anyway during that time i knew i liked gurls...i simply didnt focus on it. I remember times where family members would say stuff like "when are you going to be married?"...okies heres a tip...dont ask people that !!! What on earth does anyone get out of that question - especially if the person is single. all it does is make the person your asking feel inadequate...when i came out and that question stopped being asked was one of the biggest reliefs for me. When i was 29 i bought my first computer - buying a computer ive always viewed as being a negative and a positive thing for me. I obviously have a addictive personality which i know via my relationship with food....when i bought the computer a few months after i ran across this chat program called virtual places...and in it ran across a "grrls domain" room....i loved this room. It was full of bi girls and lesbians. Suddenly the fact that i didnt have a boyfriend was not a issue...i just got to talk to people who i could relate to which i loved but being my personality is addictive at that time i spent way too much time in it...even giving up work so i could be online more (not wise to do when you have a mortgage) so whilst the computer enabled me to really just be "me" and not have to fit into anyones mould i also became addicted to it. I was heavily addicted up till about 3 1/2 years ago. Now dont get me wrong i still enjoy chat but its not my "life" and i know want my "real" life more then ever. i am at this stage in my life of being very focussed on me...i want to get healthy...and really do this program 110%. I still go in most days to chat and play backgammon while watching has some advantages it distracts me from food and temptations. But im not there 8 hours a day or nothing. Sometimes on my days off i may sit there for a chunk of a day lol and oprahs show today really ingrained in me that i dont want to be letting myself go no more. She is doing step by step shows on this so im gonna keep watching...and keep working on things.

And tonite is the last nite of graves !!! YAY yay yay so glad...only another 6 hours and then i got 3 days off woooooo hoooooooo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Some of these shows really make you think don't they? Every step is a step in the right direction, as you know I too understand the addiction of chat ... it took me 5 years before I was game enough to put MSN back on my computer and even now I don't go there often. I think you're doing great, look forward to catching up with you on Wednesday night ... enjoy your days off!