Sunday, June 12, 2011

What has changed the most in your life?

I got a message today from a friend looking at restarting her weight loss journey....and part of her message was the question "what has changed most in your life?"...i responded with what can only be described as an actual ramble....but I thought it was a good question for a post.

I tried to explain that 5 years ago....and this may sound completely weird....but i didnt feel i was part of the human race. I of course lived and existed....but as i watched people have great careers...find love....have great social lives....i was watching. It was like there was the human race and then me existing....and just watching everyone else "live". I thought where I was in my life was where i was meant to be. That i was destined to be single. Destined to live alone. Destined to have no social life. Destined for my best friend to be a KFC burger ;) When i set out to lose the weight two of the big goals were to meet a partner and to have a social life. Up until 6 weeks ago i wasnt really doing great with either of those goals. Yes i go out more then i did 5 years ago....but its not the bustling social life i thought was going to miracuously happen. Then for some reason 6 weeks or so ago i got a bit of courage....and went out and met someone of pink sofa. Now i have NO idea where things will end with her...maybe friends maybe more ... who knows. But theres been a couple of things i have noticed. Firstly i am the queen of not letting someone get close to me. Ive gone and met girls i have chatted to on the sofa before....and theres always a "problem" with them. They were too short....too pretty....too thin....wrong socio-economic group (truly i used that once as a "excuse") Now in reality none of these were real reasons but they were perfect justifications to me to not let things proceed. Anyway so i went out and met this person ... we seemed to click right from word go...and i didnt find any faults...i was amazed by that...then after seeing her a few more times i REALISED she was 5 inches shorter then me, i have a real issue about my height (hate it) and it really was the perfect "excuse" so quite stunned i didnt use that or any other excuse to run away from the situation. I knew for me that was a huge deal and a big step. The other thing that has changed over the last 6 weeks or so i have realised that every man and their dog do not think that i am hideous. I have never been keen at looking at my face in the mirror...hate looking in the mirror at the gym (and will do all to avoid it)....the reason being is ive felt embaressed by my looks...i havent felt attractive at all. When i went to the golden dance a few weeks ago nearly everytime i was alone....i had a woman come up and "talk to me" whether they were chatting me up or not i dont know (im so uneducated on all this dating stuff!) but still they approached me which to me is amazing. Afterwards in the car going friend i went with said to me "you must get picked up a lot" LOL...i was like nooooooooooooo seriously....i havent been to a dance or club for about 2 years and that has NEVER happened to me it certainly set off some light bulbs for me. Not that i was even remotely interested in any of these women but that these women would approach me....i cant have looked to hideous i guess! And so i think im really starting to kinda like myself a lil bit....i am still not looking like a model....still not ms popularity....i still think i have a fat ass but im starting to realise "hideous" is prolly not the perception that everyone holds for me...yep am really starting to like myself....and that is what has changed the most in my life!!


Natalie said...

Do you think you projected that you weren't approachable when you were watching life?

Just wondering.

I'm not the best socially, but I went out a couple of weeks ago feeling better about how I looked and I had a great night. Chatted, danced, was silly. My hubby had heaps of comments about how great I was looking from his friends at footy practice the next week.

Nothing was different.....just my projection of myself!

Gillian said...

I'm right there with you Kazz. I guess when you have lost weight no matter what the amount you seem to give off a different energy, a more positive and available out look.

I went out last night into a salsa club in the city - now still being 118kg, most people would have been scared I guess to go out dance it up have a good time. Not me. I picked a dress that suited me, strapped on the heels and had a killer time!! And people both male and female started chatting to me, and mainly because they were saying you give out such positive energy!

Projection of oneself is a huge thing! Congrats!

Also I follow your posts on the forum, but I also have a blog on here as well - Would be awesome you would follow!

Jane said...

You are looking amazing. I love the new photos and the video. You are looking skinnier every time you put a photo up.

You are so motivating for me. I have been in a rut for a little while lately and just going through the motions, but after seeing your video and reading your latest post I seem to have a new found burning to continue on my journey - thank you so much for sharing your journey.

I love reading successful stories like yours. You will definitely get to goal, you have come so far already. I admire you so much, you would have to be one of the most dedicated, strongest, determined and inspiring person I have ever come across :)

I am so glad you are finally staring to like yourself, everyone deserves to feel that way, regardless of size.