Right...think my head is on straight now lol

I need to change somethings. Yanno at the start of the year i looked at my calories burnt at the end of the year...i knew that my calories had gone downn that i was burning...and recalculated my calories...according to michelle bridges i should be eating 1209 calories and by jillian 1440 calories. So i had been trying to do 1250-1350 calories per day as i thought that was a median. Initially that was fine. But thursday I did a PT session for a hour of boxing...I also did later a 45 minute body pump class and 45 minute RPM class. Yesterday i was starving and as i mentioned on a early post...i ate more then i wanted too. It led me to question things. Am i eating enuff? Why is my calorie burn so low etc etc. Anyway its done my head in again today...ive eaten 1434 calories...so up a bit but i felt content and i did eat healthy. Anyway amongst my stressing i messaged fiona and said do u think i need to up my intensity or do i need to exercise more days per week? (generally i exercise 4 days a week currently) so anyway fiona is like are you increasing ur intensity with ur cardio...and LO AND BEHOLD ive realised since when i stopped running due to my sore foot i really havent been doing much cardio. I generally do RPM at the most 2 x 45 minute sessions per week...plus on a good week a 45 minute body combat session...thats ONLY 2.25 hours of cardio per week (add 30-60 minutes for my boxing PT sessions) so at the ABSOLUTE most ive been only doing 3.25 hours per week. No freaking wonder why my calories burnt have gone down. So anyway fiona thinks i need to do more cardio (and i agree) and i also asked fiona whether i should be at the gym more and wondered if i should be exercising 6 days a week...she thinks i should increase by one day and do 5 days per week. Sooooooooooooo with that said...its time to work out a plan and of course it will be different each week...this week the fact i am working till 5.30pm and cant get to the gym till 6.30pm makes it harder too. So this is what ill try to do:

monday: 30 minute weight session (PT) + 30 minutes cardio (5 minutes step climber + 20 minutes bike on interval training program level 3 + 5 minutes rower)
tuesday: 30 minute kickboxing class + 45 minute body balance + (5 minutes step climber + 20 minutes bike on interval training program level 3 + 5 minutes rower) + 45 minute studio cycle class
wednesday: (5 minutes step climber + 20 minutes bike on interval training program level 3 ) + 45 minute RPM class
thursday: (5 minutes step climber + 20 minutes bike on interval training program level 3 + 5 minutes rower) + 30 minute weight session (PT)
friday: (5 minutes step climber + 20 minutes bike on interval training program level 3)
sunday: (5 minutes step climber + 20 minutes bike on interval training program level 3)

Alright so thats on a tough week for gym access...ive put only 30 minutes of cardio as ill build up to this (lets face it i freaking hate the cardio equipment) I think theoretically if i worked my ass off i should really hit 3000 calories (im hitting 2400-2500 calories per week at the moment) If i can do that and eventually build the cardio up to 60 minutes 4-5 times per week i can prolly hit 3500-4000 calories per week which would make a HUGE difference.. Now for this coming week...the extra 6 days of 30 minutes cardio...if i be quite conservative...i should burn 200 calories per 30 minutes (realistically it should be higher) which means i would burn a extra 1200 calories next week...which should put my calorie burn at least at 3500 calories per week...which for my weight (i know im losing most of you now but this makes sense to me! LOL) which i should be able to manage a 1 kilo loss at 1439 calories per day eaten. Realistically if i follow thru with the cardio i prolly should get closer to a 4000 calorie burn...so lets see! 1439 calories per day (altho wednesday i am going out for lunch for my birthday with my mum...i WILL go over calories that day so i need to give this a go for several weeks)

In time i hope to be able to go back to the running...and walking around my area but till my achilles is better i need to just suck it up and realise i just have to do cardio i dont love.

I think the other thing is that getting to double digits seems like such a HUGE obstacle...i really would like to be under it by my trip to sydney so i guess that has added some pressure to me ....but its like a different ball game and its a scary ballgame! I remember a few years ago a doctor telling me the most i could expect to get to was 100 kilos. Now i am only 4 kilos away from that. Last time i was under 100 kilos i was prolly about 24 years old. For years i have used my weight as a excuse...i still do...i get people on pink sofa saying they find my photo attractive etc...and i can only laugh...i dont think its that i still see myself as 170 kilos...but maybe i just dont yet see me as someone who weighs around 100 kilos?? For the last 4 years on the ww forum...i would see peoples weight...it doesnt seem that long ago that i would look at people weighing in the 140's and think how normal that weight would be! Now im approx 40 kilos below that range. When i go under 100 kilos...really the excuses are gone...and in reality they prolly have gone now. How many females in the world want to lose 30 kilos or less? Im guessing lots...Im guessing now im in a very "normal" range. The reasons to hide from life and living are really gone. And thats kinda scary. I realised long ago...one of the reasons why my fat was my "security blanket" cos if someone doesnt like me...or if i dont have a relationship...or unsuccessful at something...well i could always blame the fat! If i take that away if i fail at something or dont end up in a relationship or someone doesnt like me there has to be another reason...whether its my personality...looks...intelligence whatever...and thats a lil bit scary...could there really be things wrong with me apart from "fat". I realise there prolly is ... prolly with all of us there is cos we are all human...but its a lil more confronting to think its personality or whatever. That said tho im not stopping...i cant...i will get there...i mite not be under 100 kilos by the sydney trip...but i will get there sooner or later...and regardless the trip will still be a celebration and symbolic...of how i really CAN be living now!