Im at home today with a bloomin sore jaw. Its where I had the dental work last year...I am hoping whatever it is will just settle down...but did cause me to wake up with a throbbing headache.

Theres something i need to address for myself...i need to get it down in writing and then with luck it may help. To explain a bit about my past...i grew up with a dad who was in the army...we lived at a army village (holsworthy)...anyway in this army village...there were no restuarants...shopping malls...or social functions. There was a swimming pool...a tiny pub (which was for army men) and a tennis court. My parents never went out much. I grew up with a quiet life...and my only real social stuff was ballet class. My dad being in the army was strict...he had a strict rule that sunday was family day and we always spent that day at home. Anyway after dad died...and we moved to adelaide and mum met her now husband...things changed. Mums focus became her new relationship...i had grown up content to be at home...but i recall mum always being on my case to get out and about. Now as I got into my 20's i grew even more of a homebody. By the time I was 30 I had discoverred chat programs...by about 32-33 i had given up my job of 10 years so i didnt have to face reality...sitting in a chat room was much easier! For well over a year I didnt see family...I didnt venture out of the house except to buy food...i never answered my phone...i even had the police turn up doing a welfare call as my neighbours had called them concerned! What my point to this ramble...as well as a weight issue...ive always had another issue...where i could walk in my house...lock the door and not see anyone for a year or more...and i would cope...maybe not financially...but in the moment i would. Anywayyyyyyyyyy i majorly broke out of this bad habit 4-5 years ago and i have never got close to being back at that place again. But it is something i am very concious off...and something i need to get on top off. Whilst I have cut back dramatically i dont ever seem to completely cut it out. Over the last year or so i have been close to someone in one of the chat rooms...i have enjoyed her companionship...but in my head its been a constant battle. I do get lonely...and I think thats why I have kept us up with her...but over the last few months...i have told her numerous times i cant keep doing this...yet i always go back in. She is like a bad habit i cant break! lol. There is so much of me she doesnt get...she really doesnt get how important this weight loss is to me...and partly thats my fault...ive kept her at a distance not letting her see my journal or FB or anything. 10 days ago i told her...were too different we cant keep this to-ing and fro-ing up...i stayed away for a week or so...last nite im back in there...that said we didnt chat (ok we argued a lil) but things are still the same status quo...more so then her....is the issue that the chat rooms are a addiction based on the fact i am lonely. Long time ago when i was with Ang...i said to her one day...im stopping going into chat...and ive been watching more tv...and she said...all u r doing is replacing one box for another....I do really need to break this habit...so much has improved in my life...and this aspect has improved a lot...but I really need to completely break that habit. I dont know that anything is gained by me writing this down maybe by it being down on paper (so to speak) it may make me face this a lil more.

Last weekend fiona was away...so no PT saturday morning or monday nite...you would think I woulda done the body pump class and/or body balance wouldnt u? did i? nup! Didnt go near the gym...and havent been since thursday. Im not expecting someone to post some miracle response in regards to this post...this is all up to me...its something i need to keep working thru.