Weight loss struggles :)

I keep promising to be better at blogging but then keep forgetting! LOL. Admittedly my computer died and I have only just bought a new one the last few days.

I did want to write a post about the struggle. I am not struggling currently - I am doing remarkbly well :) and its fabulous when you read a blog and see someone succeeding - but there is usually a significant number of people reading that blog that are searching for answers with their struggling.

Now, I am in no way saying I have the answers. I have a experience and am going to talk about my own experience with struggling.

As most know I lost 94 kilos between 2006-2011. Life was great. I felt fit (altho admittedly I was definitely over exercising). My goal was to get to 76 kilos...I got to 79 kilos and after months of being stuck there I decided that was my number and I was going to stop losing weight.

So if you are going into "maintenance" surely you have a plan right? Nope. No plan. My only plan was to be "normal" and just eat. Over the next 6 months or so I gained about 7 kilos back but I was still pretty happy with where I was at, but there was definitely some guilt starting in the back of my mind.

Then life decided to smack me in the face. Mum passed away, then 3 months later I broke my wrist (probably the biggest factor in losing my motivation), a good friend passed away and then my house was broken into - all in a matter of 13 months.

Weight loss became a minor priority. I was still going to the gym (altho the trainer I had at the time was a hinderance more then anything) my eating was getting more and more out of control. The more it got out of control and the bigger I got - the more negative feelings I had about myself. I was not only suddenly over 100 kilos, but I had gone from the confident "i love my life" person to a person filled with guilt, feeling ashamed and humiliated.

I really hated the person I was becoming and how I felt. My fitness was slowly going downhill, I started stepping away from my friends, social media - everything! I remember one night going thru my facebook and deleting over 100 people of it! As most know ... when you lose weight/gain weight ...the more you hide....the bigger you become. When eating and tv watching is your solace...there is no where to go then for the scales to go up!

So how did I get myself back on track? Honestly there was no step by step plan...but looking back now I can see how I managed to do it.

Initially it started with me acknowledging that i was humiliated/embarrassed/ashamed....I was playing around with you tube back in those days and ended up making a video where basically I admitted it (the video no longer exists). I put it out there...that i was embarresed and humiliated. Putting it out there was the first step. I had previously been the weight loss queen...I lost my identity somewhere along the way and I just needed to admit where things stood.

I made that video over a year ago. Not long after I decided I needed a clean slate and left the gym I was going too. I decided to join a local goodlife....I had for a short period time a few years earlier attended there and even had a personal trainer. The personal trainer was great so I contacted her to see if she would train me again - thankfully she said yes :)

Initially when I went back to the gym in May 2016 I had only one goal. After 6-12 months of skipping the gym a LOT, I decided the only goal at this point was to attend the PT sessions, and only skipping the session when I was on deaths doorstep! lol I did pretty good with this. I rarely missed any sessions. WINNING.

Whilst I was doing the PT sessions I was still gaining weight. By September 2016 I hit my highest in the regain of weight of 133.6 kilos. Once again I decided to try and get myself on track. I lost a few kilos and decided to join the gyms 8 week challenge. I started it and got to about week 7 and then lost the plot. I had got down to about 123 kilos and then regained over a few weeks to 129 kilos.

A few weeks after the challenge I had a BIG chat with my trainer and we made some changes, we decided she would send me workouts for when I am in the gym when I am there for no PT session, we would weigh weekly and I would try and get back on track (this was around December 18 2016)

I kinds got on track. It was xmas time after all. So by January 1 I was down to 126.1 kilos. At this time I decided to do the gyms 12 week challenge which started in March, and also my trainer mentioned a company she had heard of called Equalution.

I started the 12 week challenge having lost a few more calories. I was pumped. I had the meal plan and followed it to a T. That first week I lost 3 kilos (woo hoo) but over the next 3 weeks I was slowly gaining it back. I was SO frustrated. I knew I was eating what I was told to eat, I knew I was exercising - but in all honesty just wasnt feeling this eating program was right for me.

I felt I needed a program that was quite specific in telling me what to eat but I knew I needed to eat foods I enjoy. For a few months I had been researching Equalution. I read thru their entire facebook page, checked out the #equalution hash tag on instagram and read thru their website. My gut instinct was to try Equalution but it was expensive and I wasnt positive it would work for me. But then one morning I woke and knew it was what I needed to try. So i messaged my trainer and told her my plan, and signed up for Equalution.

I can now say (I am on week 14) without a doubt it has been the best decision i have EVER made.

Prior to equalution I was very restrictive with my food, eating low calories, not eating grains in the evenings, not eating processed meats, not eating asian sauces, restricting dairy (specifically cheese), vigilantly monitoring my sodium.

I never felt satisfied. I was always hungry and looking for new ways I could fit more foods into my limited calorie budget. I would often eat well for a few days and then binge.

I decided on a thursday to start Equalution the following monday and in the two days before that I definitely binged. From memory it was pizza, garlic bread, chips, and chocolate.

I started on that monday morning March 20. From my very first day I have never felt a inclination to go off track (trust me this has NEVER happened to me before), I was eating yummy foods, healthy and considered not so healthy. I noticed not only was I losing on the scales and centimetres I was developing a better relationship with food. I wasnt worried when something was high in sodium or wasnt concerned when I ate pasta in the evening :) Things were going great and continue to go great.

So how did I get back on track in the end? I identified the "emotional issue" that was preventing me of being productive and proactive, I got the exercise in check and then I eventually found what worked for me nutrition wise. What works for me wont necessarily work for you - thats the most important thing - find what works for you (from the girl who was previously considering weight loss surgery!)

Sunday June 4 2017

So I weighed in on Friday morning and gained 500 grams taking me back to 114.5 kilos, but the girls think that is related to a increase in cortisol from returning to the gym - so all good.

While I returned to the gym this week I only did my PT sessions (slack kazz!) but this week I really need to get my chit together. I am going to try for monday-thursday then next sunday night. I must admit with it being so cold at the moment...Im not inclined to want to go to the gym...instead I just want to go home and get warm and watch TV. But this weight loss is a priority so need to get my ass into gear.

I was thinking this week about how when I gained the weight over the last 4-5 years how I "hid". I deleted a lot of people off facebook (like I am talking well over 100 in one sitting, not cos they did anything wrong but simply cos I felt humiliated). Gaining the weight was really embarrassing, and I dont think until recently I realised how much it impacted me. My blog was a big part of my journey, but then i went on a hiatus....for a long time now I have kept my facebook very locked down and only really been publicly on instagram. Its a lot easier on instagram....its a pic with a small caption. I am not sitting there writing about my journey and all the feels that come with it. But that said I think its start to come out of the social media ban more. My facebook group I deleted at the time and I have not been very active on - but want to get more active on it (If interested in following it the link is https://www.facebook.com/kazzsjourney/Kazzs Journey  or simply search for "kazzs journey" on facebook. There were goals years ago...to become a personal trainer....to have a supportive website (forums etc) for people to get support on weight loss journeys especially 100+ kilos....and i would have eventually liked to do meetups in different states and maybe even NZ too...those goals have been dormant for a LONG time! I didnt even realise those goals were still there. At the moment my focus is on me....and getting back to a healthy weight....but they are definitely goals that are way more in the forefront of my brain. (Maybe even a ebook about my journey down the path?) So yes I plan to be a lot more prominant on facebook...instagram....and maybe at some point you tube.

Tomorrow I am off and will be spending most of the day watching my niece play netball as part of sapsasa. Its so cold here I think I am gonna have to rug up super warm! I will also be taking my meals and snacks...so no going off track. Interestingly since I started doing Equalution (I am in week 12) I have only eating lunch out once...(and that day I forgot my chicken for the day) every other day has been a lunch I have prepped at home and have only eaten dinner out twice....I think both these things have helped me with my losses (cos lets face it I am not a speedy loser!)

So if you want to follow me on any social media here is how you can find me:

My Fitness Pal : My username is itskazzsjourney
Facebook: The url is https://www.facebook.com/kazzsjourney/
Instagram: My username is kazzsjourney

Right off to do some work :)