Saturday, May 21, 2011

Where I Am At...

It seems like ages since i have written a post i have really become a slack blogger of late....and the crazy thing is its not from a lack of things to write about ... just damn lazyness ;)

As to weight loss (this is a weightloss blog after all) its been pretty non existant over the last 6 weeks. Things were going along quite swimmingly till easter....I hadnt seen my mum in months (january so it had been about 3 months) we met up for lunch. My relationship with my mum is disjointed to say the least...she never rings (neither do i but thats cos whenever i do she never has more then a minute or two to talk to me so i stopped bothering)...so i meet her for lunch...she says "your sister was in port lincoln on the weekend" im like...i know she told me....mum then goes on to say (keeping in mind i live alone and the last time she called me was in 2010 some time) i tried to ring your sister on friday and when she didnt answer on sunday i got worried...she then goes on to say....cos you never know anything could have happened to them and i would never know. I was so tempted to point out hello i live alone and if i fell or anything you would never know either...but eh no matter. So anyway following that lunch i went on a 4 day binge :( and since then i have really struggled to get back on track....ill go a few days okay...then ill get weak and cave in to kfc or some yummy pasta or something. Ive seen her over the last 6 weeks about 4 times. Mothers day i actually went and bought her flowers (havent bought her a mothers day/xmas or birthday present since the HUGE fight we had a couple of years ago) which i know sounds awful....but if she cant support me at least occassionally my view has been why should she want material possessions from me (man i must sound like a bitch! lol) but anyway for a few months prior to easter i had started to wonder if it was time to let the hatchet down a bit....and make more of a effort. So i called her said what are you doing for mothers day...she said come out to dinner with us...i bought her flowers...and that ONE day things went good (wonder if it was the flowers?????) anyway yeh things were good that day but the relationship as a whole was still disjointed...anyway my sister was down last weekend. As i was leaving on the sunday nite....my mums hubby got some wine glasses out they had picked up for me from a garage sale...he unwraps one and talking to me like im a child tells me "oh you only fill them up this much" im like...i know how to pour a glass of wine....to which his response was "okay pisshead" my mum just sat there....and i walked out. This week has been pretty disastrous again with the food. (lets talk kfc, carbonara, violet crumbles....need i go on?) I had tried to figure out in my head what was going on...and initially i thought....oh ive become complacent as im "okay" at this weight (and to a degree thats prolly true) ... ive also kinda thought....that maybe im at that point (and im talking mainly exercise here) where i cant improve anymore.... to me i wasnt or havent been seeing improvements in things ive been doing (but following a chat with fiona this morning she disagrees and apparantly my perception might be off track ;)) And the thing is when i think to those couple of remarks said by mum and her hubby....they were hurtful....i mean ... i know and accept my relationship with my mum will never be good.It will prolly be acceptable....but im the black sheep...the gay one...the one who got to 170 kilos....the one who is single....blah blah blah.... and thats fine but i guess for me....i need to just really acknowledge those things do hurt and whilst i cant control how she acts....she will do what she wants and they are really only going to have a impact on me if i let them. Her decisions for how she acts and whether she does or doesnt support me...theyre her actions to live with....but i think more then ever its just maybe me realise so much that my contact with her needs to be limited as it was before....i cant afford for this emotional stuff between us to keep affecting my life (prolly long after she has even forgotten what has occurred) At this stage im pretty sure my sister isnt down until october...so i have a few months where i can easily avoid her and as horrible as that sounds im gonna be a bit selfish and avoid her and focus back on me.

The scales this morning said 94.9 kilos ( said bloomin 92 kilos thursday morning) so i think this week i will just skip weigh in and just focus on getting a half decent loss on the board for the following week.

As to the gym and exercise....well its still there lol i was a slack ass today and didnt do pump or balance as i would normally do on a saturday. But i need to refocus....ive got thru today within my calories...so happy with that. My heart rate monitor is also working again so more then happy with that news :) Fiona has actually set me homework for the week! lawdie! lol so i have to climb 10 lots of stairs (70 flights thruout the week) plus do a 30 minute stint on the rower .... rowing 6-7kms...so thats gonna make for a interesting week!

Onto other stuff.....i did go out with me new "friend" on wednesday nite....we went to the movies....saw water for elephants. Was a real good movie and a real nice night....at the end of the night....she went to give me a kiss...i wasnt really sure if it was meant for my lips or cheek so i turned my face so it landed on my cheek....next time ill just bite the bullet and let her plant one on the lips lol. And yes im quite sure there will be a next time...but prolly a few weeks away...shes a busy woman with a demanding job and she is doing a masters at uni which she has the last few weeks of the current semester...so im sure in a few weeks we will catch up again....who would ever have thought id go on a date lil own two dates! Its a nice feeling i must admit to think she may be attracted to me and want to spend time with me.

I have only 5 working days left till my long service leave starts....so ill be one happy girl when 4pm on friday comes ;)

7 comments:

jo said...

I do not miss all that family drama stuff. Very nice of you to buy your mom flowers. I would have gone off had I been called--was it a pisshead? Oy. That kind of drama just drives me bonkers. Hugs

Pinky said...

Enjoy your time off and all that your will accomplish!

To Band or not To Band? said...

I think deep down you know that you just have to get through this week and then you will refocus like crazy and be a mean fatburning machine once more! Don't stress babe - this is for life and a little time "off the boat" won't take away your 75kg loss!

To Band or not To Band? said...

suss this link out kazz, i just nominated u for a blog makeover!

http://justfoolinblogdesigns.blogspot.com/2011/05/nominate-blog-you-love-for-makeover-win.html?showComment=1306059925842#c1651507881673524773

JFBD said...

Hi Kazz!! The lovely "To Band or Not To Band" nominated you for a blog design makeover over on my blog. I'm here to make sure it's OK to use a screenshot of your blog on my blog so everyone can vote on a winner.
My e-mail is justfoolinblogdesigns{at}gmail.com
Please e-mail and let me know - or leave a comment on my blog.
Thanks so much!
Good Luck!

Jane said...

I love your attitude of not letting these comments get to you and affect your goals. You are a very strong woman who will achieve your goals no matter how long it takes. I know I've said it before, but you truly are an amazing woman and inspiration to many people out there.

Enjoy your LSL! Are you going to do that PT course?

Tania said...

I've learnt through my own experiences that it doesn't matter how good or bad our relationship with our mother is we still somehow want their approval/acceptance and when we don't get it, it hurts! I think you're doing the right thing by limiting contact and well done on recognising it's what you need to do. I'm curious though Kazz, what's she said about the transformation in you?