Regret

If someone asks....do you have any regrets? A lot of people would say...no....no regrets cos everything in my past made me the person I am today. And that is a very true way to think. And I agree with this MOSTLY

But if you were to ask me "do you regret anything in your life?" I would say yes. I regret not standing up for myself enough.

There is a very definite memory in my brain of when I was about 16. My mum wanted me to buy a "going out outfit" so we had gone to the local big shopping centre. There was me, my mum, prolly my sister and my step dad. Now my mum always thought I didnt behave like a "lady". Now the important point is - I had no desire to be a "lady". I was constantly told "Ladies dont talk like that Karyn" or "stop doing that its not lady like" Me? No im not lady like. I would say I am a person full of contradictions. I would describe myself as tomboy-ish...I wear jeans and tshirts but I love a pretty dress on occassion...I dont wear make up unless going out....but I love pink and am obsessed with unicorns....I can get in on the smut talk as good as any guy....but I know how to say please and thank you and would always aim to treat everyone as kind as I can. I am many things but I am not lady like. So anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are at a clothes store....my STEPFATHER sees a outfit....its a gray skirt (puke), a pink and white striped shirt and a gray jacket. And they decide its the perfect outfit for me. I hated it. Hated everytime I had to put it on. And this is where regret kicks in - I knew I hated it but I went along with it. "yeah sure its nice" Why did I not say no its not for me? One i think cos i never felt anything I wanted to wear would get approval by them. Two I didnt want the conflict and three I just didnt feel I was "allowed" to be the true me. So they bought that blooming outfit and I wore it as little as possible.

I never felt I was truly me till I came out to my mum and her husband. Now this did not go well lol (understatement of the year actually!) I was told they didnt want me to talk about anyone I was dating in front of them, when I had a girlfriend flying in to visit me one time my mum told me "you know you wont be able to hold her hand" I never stood up for myself and said well this is me accept me or not. Instead I just avoided them.

My regret is not simply standing up for me....and having that big conversation and saying "this is me....accept me as I am or dont be part of my life" And I am not simply talking about being gay...I mean about the clothes I wear, about being "lady like", about not pressuring me to make purchases I didnt want to make and living my life my way not their way.

So is this a case now I have regrets of being angry and letting it negatively impact my life. No, its being aware of those regrets and ensuring those ways of thinking dont impact my life these days. Apart from doing what I am told to do at work lol...I live my life my way these days, with my rules and my expectations.