Recommiting

I need to write a huge post...so much thinking going on...

Yanno im so anal about this weight loss deal...i know every stat....grams of carbs and protein i eat on average...sodium levels....what i weighed on any specific day....calories...BMR blah blah blah..im like 3 kilos from the healthy weight range and it STILL does my head in. I did so good last week on the foxy eting...then about tuesday this week the scales started going up...did it 4 days running...those daily morning weigh ins didnt help me at all! I think why i have struggled so much lately with the mindset...is ive always had a big number to lose....obviously getting down to 80 kilos and not having huge amounts of fat to lose and the scales tend to fluctuate and i eventually get pissed and then end up doing what i always do...and thats eating. I tell myself i realise its a different ball game at this weight....but i wonder if intellectually i understand that. A big part of my problem is head space and not believing i can even get under 79 kilos....ive prolly convinced myself it will never happen...even when people say i will...i sit there feeling dubious. Its like i wonder if people are really "hearing" me when i say ive tried this, this and this....but i think its just that ive convinced myself so much that i will never make it. I think now that i realise the scales are affecting me so much...its time to stop the daily weigh ins. I know i was doing good...the only thing i may not have been doing was exercising enough. Also if im thirsty in the evening i dont drink cos i worry how it will affect me and my mood for the next mornings weigh in. I do think the fernwood eating plan is good....its good clean food....whether its enuff food for me im still not sure on (its 1150-1400 cals per day) I think also while i havent verbalised it i have thought if im not at goal by end of june then i give up on this dream of getting to my goal weight. But last nite i did talk to a trainer at the gym who told me i will get to that healthy weight range...whether i truly believe that is another story....but i think i have to put a bit of faith in me. Cos this not getting to goal...while its a number on the scale it affects other things. I know what ive lost is awesome and ive done a great job...but im not happy with my body yet....far from it...and if i get no closer to goal...in relation to my body i dont think i will ever be happy. It also leaves me self doubting that i can be a personal trainer...so suddenly in my mind ive put that on the back burner again...i mean if i cant get myself to goal how can i expect to get anyone else to achieve their goals.

I have not eaten great the last few days (altho not atrociously either) so just need to get back to following the plan by the letter...no more weighing in...and throwing myself back into the exercise. Whilst i have been still training with fiona twice a week and nora once a week...thats been it....i need to make a point to try and make every group fitness class i can like i use to do. Also one of the trainers at the gym is going to write me up a weight and running program which should help as well...specially the running program...she thinks i need to set a goal to complete in a run...so will have to think about that (maybe ill just aim at the end of her training program to just run 5kms in a marked out area around where i live) Anyway im on lates this week....so its going to be ensuring im in bed early...getting up early...and doing some morning classes...so this weeks plan is:

sunday - 60 mins with fiona
monday - body pump
tuesday - body balance and 60 mins with fiona
wednesday - PT with Nora
thursday - body balance
friday -
saturday - pump and body balance

so lots of body balance and pump....not cos im specifically aiming for just those classes but simply cos its on when i can make it. I am also considering buying Jillians yoga dvds to do at homes...would be handy specially for public holidays and sundays when the gym is closed. Also i will hopefully have the running program sometime next week so can get stuck into that as well. :)