Taking me back

This is a post which has prolly been coming on since the day I started this blog. Ive touched on these topics previously but decided for my moving its better I really put everything down in detail and move on.

We all have things happen in life...which are transforming....they shape our thoughts and then of course our actions.

I was always a healthy child. Never any weight issues, never any true issues, I mostly led a idyllic childhood. I took ballet classes, we never really wanted for much and our family life was happy.

In 1981 my dad got sick. He was diagnosed with mouth cancer. The day they realised he was sick, I left for school that morning and dad had plans to go to the dentist. He went to the dentist and the dentist looked in his mouth and said he couldnt touch his mouth and was sent directly to the hospital. Initially dad was in hospital (a army hospital) while the biopsy was done. Once the diagnosis was done he was transferred to Sydney hospital to have radiation treatment. We would visit the hospital on sundays. I remember being told everyone on the ward was "terminal" but not really understanding that. Dad was also on chemo at the time and his lil stand with the drip etc he had named "old shep" (after the song). I remember the drive in, and I remember being in the ward and I remember being more intrigued by the guy who had swollowed fishing hooks more so then what was really going on with dad - i just didnt understand the enormity of it all. After about 8 weeks dad was sent back to the originial hospital. This hospital was about a 30 minute drive from our house. My dad was in the army and the army supplied a car and driver to drive mum to the hospital twice a day. We use to go visit every evening and on the weekends twice a day. I found it a stressful situation, whilst I wanted to visit the hospital and see my dad it still frustrated me that I had to spend so much time in a hospital. This was when I first started to emotionally eat. I started to gain some weight but I was so skinny to begin with I was still well and truly slim and trim. I remember in those days at school eating a apple turnover for lunch AND a meat pie (go work out those calories! lol) My biggest memory of that period time is one saturday afternoon where we had to go to the hospital. Now remember I was at school....my days involved school, homework, visit hospital (which involved one hour travelling there and back) then two hospital visits on saturday and sundays (so each day 2 hours stuck in a car). I remember this one saturday I just refused to go. We had a swingset out the back and just plain refused.  So mum went,....locked the door and I was stuck in our backyard for about 3 hours lol.

One of the saddest things about this period of time which truly breaks my heart happened about 3 weeks before dad died. Having had mouth cancer when the cancer spread it did also spread to his brain which obviously affected his thoughts. Anyway this one day a few weeks before he died...he was in hospital and I walked in wearing a white dress...he got so upset...yelling telling me to go away....saying he wanted the nurse away. Turned out he thought I was a nurse and I was coming to take him away, his mind was in such a state where he didnt realise he was actually in hospital. After that because Dad became so upset the doctor recommended I not visit again. That was a hard pill to swallow, even though I resented the hospital I now resented that I couldnt visit.

A few weeks later, my dad passed away. His family came down for the funeral. Dad has 3 brothers and 2 sisters. His mum also came down for the funeral. I dont remember a lot about the funeral. I remember I wore a blue dress, and I remember sitting in the chapel. I dont really remember anything from the rest of that day till later that night. I remember being in bed and i think I was reading. I was wearing my nightie. I dont remember him walking in (and I am not going to say who "he" is) I just remember him suddenly being in my bed and squeezing my breast and the next thing I looked up and (thankfully) my sister was at the bedroom door. I remember nothing else. The next day I told mum, she didnt believe me. I let the subject drop, but I knew it was true.

This event didnt make me gay. I knew I was gay from the time I was about 10 ;) I simply put it behind me....no one wanted to believe me so why discuss it?

3 months later we moved to Adelaide. Mum had a friend here in Adelaide....she was going thru a separation and had a daughter and son and also a foster daughter. And it somehow got decided we would move in with them till mum bought a house. A few weeks after arriving mum met someone (who she eventually married) this led to me being unhappy for a number of years. At 17 before completing my schooling I had not only quit school but also moved out of home. At the time I just wanted peace. The person my mum married I would describe as "judgemental" he definitely believed a womans place is in the kitchen. I remember him calling me a "feminist" and that was in his eyes a negative thing, I remember him saying "you walk like you work as a wharfie" his comments did nothing to help my self worth in fact it damaged it. I guess I was seen as the black sheep of the family...he saw me as spoilt...and I think he didnt like that...this is a very skim the surface of that relationship....if i am going to be honest (and thats what this post is about) and this is what the final straw for me was.....he hit me once and bruised the back of my thighs. I remember once clothes shopping and him telling mum what clothes to buy me...hello....ill be wearing them? Its a big issue with me....its hard to have self worth when for years you are told you are not that good, you dont behave well, you dont walk right, you cannot pick out suitable clothes etc etc.

This led to my relationship with my mum my entire life being strained. She always sided with him and I guess I can understand that to a degree...she was sharing a house and life with him....it would have added a layer of tension to her life if she backed me up. But in all honesty, I believe there were times she should have dealt with some uncomfortableness and backed me up. When I was most successful with my weight loss was when I made a conscious point to not make my relationship with my mum or him to be a very low priority. I put myself as my number one focus. I refused to allow myself to step into that situation. And it worked. I did awesome.

I seemed to have lost my desire for weight loss after mum passed away. I havent understood it. When mum passed away it was hard. Our relationship was far from perfect altho when she became sick i think things improved. Mums death was completely unexpected. I think there has prolly been a sense of guilt. Did i do the wrong thing? Did i not do everything i could to enable us to have a good relationship with mum? If i am truthfully honest it wasnt a situation I could improve. Sometimes we just have to do whats best for ourselves. Should I feel guilty/bad that it wasnt perfect? Or did it make me less because I didnt have a perfect relationship with mum? No. Plain and simple I actually did the right thing. I stood up for myself, I knew certain behaviours werent appropriate and I didnt encourage them or allow anyone to think it was acceptable to treat me that way. Plain and simple there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with the fact I am gay. There is nothing wrong with how I walk, how I dress, or how I do everything. Cos its kazz's way to do things. I am a strong woman, i am opinionated but i also know when to shut my mouth....I make absolutely no apologies for the person I am....I think i am pretty damn cool and anyone who doesnt think that needs out of my life. I have self worth and will continue to build this life I want, my goal still is to meet someone and have that great love of my life, to spend quality time with my friends and to not hide or feel shame for any part of my life. And to wear clothes i want! bahaha! If I look back on it...and this is the first time I have realised this..I am proud of how I dealt with lots of things in my past..and I will continue to be proud of how i do things....

This week i will weigh in....accept whatever weight it is....and move on....weight watchers is the program for me....and I cannot wait to slowly see my progress!

Decisions.

So I have made a decision. I am still gonna do ww (i honestly feel its a very good and simple system) but I am not going to go to meetings for a few weeks. I fully intend to go back to them....but with this second recent gain i dont want the mental challenge of knowing i am having a negative weigh in.

Tomorrow morning i will weigh in....and will weigh in on sundays for a few weeks. I am 100% committed to this journey....but i want weight watchers to be a positive experience. So i will do it online....still track....the week after this next one i am back to the gym and i think this will make a huge difference. I need the gym...simple as that. Im honestly in a better mindset...I want this....and am determined...I guess tho I just gotta do things my own way. So the first goal is to get back to ww....i am guessing it will only be 2-3 weeks away......i just want to string a few losses together and feel i can do this and not go into meetings feeling like a "failure"

I will be back tomorrow afternoon with my weigh in results.

Blessed :)

So I got my cycle yesterday...i have had really bad cramps for a few days and todays i even considered not working cos they were so bad (but i did go to work) and my scales are up like 3.7 kilos! Argh! So annoying...I know its fluid and I know its part of PCOS but still frustrating.

This would normally be a case of bugger this and throwing the rest of the week in the bin but i have felt more on track today then any other day this week.

I think I often focus on the negative. The negative of having lost both parents, having no family close by etc etc. But i was thinking about it today and truthfully i am blessed. I am blessed to be in the financial situation to be able to invest in my health, blessed to have the time to focus on my health, i have some fabulous and supportive friends...and those "friends" who dont fall into that category i am blessed to be able to recognise it. Its all about perspective. So i am in a good happy place today :)

The weather is stinking hot...37 here today...39 tomorrow....i plan to stay indoors till i head out for dinner tomorrow night!

Off I go have a fab weekend all :)

Thursday 5th February 2015

So i was gonna come post everyday and havent eh? (thanks for the reminder Jaxx!)

So how am I going? I am having some good days and some bad days....but the thing that is happening is I am figuring out somethings. Some of these things I have known a long, long time and even written about them on here....but I keep repeating some negative patterns.

So firstly I am realising I always do better when I am "enjoying" my food. While my losses may not have been big when I was regularly eating weight watcher meals for dinner....but i WAS losing. Im not a big meat lover. I eat very few meats...things most people love like bacon, ham etc. I would never eat a steak for example...so I kinda for years while I was successful with my weight loss forced myself to eat chicken most nights. Now I do like chicken...just these days eating it everyday drives me a bit nuts. So the weight watcher meals worked...so I am going back to that.

There are key foods I just cannot have in the house....they are peanut butter (i can eat tahini instead), sliced cheese, ice cream treats (like ice cream cookies), no biscuits or chip like foods.

The other thing is for months now I have been going to work and then slothing around watching tv....this is peak time for me. I am perfect with my eating at work....cos I am busy....but once I am not busy when at home I think of food, food, food, food. I need to keep myself busy and a routine. So the GOOD news is....I have organised to rejoin Fernwood! It got sold last year and has new owners and I have spoken on the phone to one of the new owners....and swapped numerous emails about my rejoining. I quit last august because of a issue I had with a previous trainer....that person will no longer be working there after next week...and I will be rejoining on the 16th! I will also be doing one PT session a week at the gym (weights) and then of course continuing my one PT session with fiona on saturdays. So looking at the gym timetable (which I think will possibly change this month at some point) at least for the week starting 16/1 it will look like this:

monday: body pump +weight watchers
tuesday: cardio
wednesday:cardio
thursday: pump + PT (weights)
friday:body pump
saturday:PT (running)
sunday: cardio/walking

Normally mondays will not be a gym day as I normally work then have weight watchers that night but the 16th I am off work. So will go in at lunch time. The plan will prolly change after a few weeks...not only cos their timetable may change but also cos this next few weeks i am finishing work at 3pm.....when i finish later it will be a lil different.

But I have 10 days or so till then .... so i need to start keeping myself occupied after work....so tomorrow night i am going to do a 4.93km walk with a stop over at the footy oval to do 10 flights of the steps...well I was gonna do all I said tomorrow but just realised its gonna be 39 tomorrow...so no...no running up stairs lol.....so ill come home from work eat dinner then after dinner will walk for 6km  but anyway so for the next 10 days:

friday: 6km walk
saturday: workout dvd
sunday: walk around the torrens (between 3.5km and 6km depending how far we walk)
monday: 6km walk
tuesday: level 1 30 day shred
wednesday:level 1 30 day shred
thursday:6km walk
friday:level 1 30 day shred
saturday: PT with fiona
sunday: Rest day

Its going to be between 34 and 39 next week...so ive planned it to try and stay indoors the days its expected to hit 39.

This weekend saturday night i am going out with Martine for dinner...and sunday morning walking with Tania and then out to brunch.....should be a nice balance of keeping balance but still getting some rest time.

Accountability

So my disastrous ww week is now officially over! My ww leader/coach is a friend of mine and I told her with not attending last week Ive been so off track. But a new week starts tomorrow and even tho I will have a big gain I will weigh in and draw that line in the sand. My coach is also going to ask to see my tracker next week so I will have some extra accountability!

Its another 2 weeks till I can rejoin fernwood...i KNOW that will give me extra motivation...the gym always has...and I am desperate to get back to it, but I need to wait till one of their staff has left...I do think sometimes join another gym....but fernwood has a unique support system,,,,,which is why I am returning there.

I have decided there are certain foods if i want to be successful I need to keep out of the house....no cheese (except feta), no white bread, no cheesticks, no bacon, no "packaged" freezer foods...no icecreams or confectionary. I need to start eating all the yummy fresh foods....just like I use too!

I just got up and threw out all the crap in the house...one kitchen tidy bag full....there was one lean cuisine meal and one ww meal....i didnt throw them out...ill save them for a emergency night.

This week....my aim is to average 10,000 steps a day....so hopefully will hit 70,000 by next sunday night!

I am going to start also updating this blog everynight...and i will include the number on the scales each morning...to add that accountability.

Excuses and some honesty

No denying I have been off track the past 3 days. Very offtrack.

Why? Well I could say its cos I didnt go to my weight watchers meeting this week, or i could say it is because work had me on a shift 10am-6pm which meant lunch was at 2pm or it could be because I havent joined the gym yet....it could be, it could be, it could be....and the truth is they are all excuses and prolly excuses I have used this week. Fact of the matter you (I) can stick to my eating plan no matter what the circumstances....it is simply about whether I choose too or not.

So I got back on track today, tonight I have sat down and written out shopping lists, and picked recipes to make this weekend so I am organised this week. Some fritters, muffins, cheat's lasagne and a bacon and egg pie. And i have gone thru my tracker and planned when to have the meals and/or snacks.

So there it is...I have been off track. I am in the middle of re-reading "Confessions of a reformed dieter" was that she wasn't perfect....she stuffed up more then once....but she just got back on track again...so thats what I am doing. I gain fluid from sodium ridiculously fast so I will be embarrassed to weigh in monday...but I need to draw that line in the sand.

I think too...I need to not be so hard on myself. Having been so successful with weight loss previously I think in my mind....that everyone else thinks i need to lose 1 kilo per week or more (this is a pressure i put on myself). I need to just be glad for any loss...and aim for consistently losing regardless of the amount....I can always make small changes....but as long as I lose each week and my health improves each week thats what matters!

Tomorrow morning I am meeting up with Fiona and we will walk/run a 6km track around the Torrens River - so pretty!

Hope everyone has a fab weekend ! :)

Long post and this weeks weigh in result :)

I was going to do this post once I had bought a new laptop...but figured today is as good as any day to write it!

Firstly the weigh in news...I weighed in at home as no meeting tonight due to the public holiday and I prolly wont make another meeting as working late this week....so lost 300 grams. Which puts me at 3 losses in a row and having lost 3.6 kilos since I rejoined WW....and now my total loss is 53.6 kilos.

So on Saturday night I was out at dinner and I was asked "why did I put the weight back on"? I said yanno I had a pretty chit 2012/2013 with mum passing away, broken wrists, Jody passing away and then the house being broken into. All of that is true but its a very....only touches the top of the layers kinda answer.

Truthfully, when mum passed away it knocked me for a six. But I am the girl who hid being a lesbian for years, who is VERY good at hiding her depression and hiding what is truly going on. When mum passed away I went into logic mode. I am that person who cries when my hair wont go the right way but when something really traumatic happens i just go on autopilot. My stepdad was an emotional wreck to say the least, and my sister tends to be emotional too (I wish I was more like this but after so many years hiding....I am very good at putting on a brave front) in this situation I think I am very logical and I just get very practical and get what needs to be done done (Mum was the same very practical) I never cried in front of anyone. There were tears shed at the funeral but hidden behind sunglasses.

At the time of mums passing and following that I remember having this conversation where I said to Fiona. I think I am in denial about it....I think in a lot of ways I still am. I dont know that it has "clicked" that mum has passed away...just feels like I haven't seen her for a long time. I havent even been to the cementry at this point to visit the grave as its just not something emotionally at this point I think I could handle.

One of the things that has become very obvious to me is a sense of being alone. When I sometimes think what ties me to this city? Nothing actually does except for my job and that I have a home setup here...people are not what keeps me tied here. My sister lives a 6 hour drive away and she and I are the only remaining members of our immediate family. I dont notice it on a daily basis...but there are times I do. I am a pretty independant so and so...but times like when you are hospitalised....or wanting to go out and celebrate your birthday or new years eve or have some to drag to a show....thats when I notice it. I think when you get to the end of the day....and something has happened....good or bad....and you don't have someone to call to discuss it with....its hard....I do have friends (altho I dont have like a best friend) but I do have some good friends so its not like I am alone with absolutely no contact with the human race lol but sometimes you know you just want to have that person that you know you could ring.

Yesterday I sat down and had a L Word binge. (Lesbian drama that was broadcast in about 2005) I had watched it before but its a favourite and have it on DVD. Anyway so I watched season 1 and the first 4 episodes of season 2. And as I was watching it a couple of things occurred to me. Over those episodes I watched...I saw girls date, socialise, work towards goal, plan for a future, go to "lesbian weekends", have sex, have first dates, first kisses, crushes, all that kinda good stuff ! lol And yanno what??? I do NONE of that stuff...okies I socialise a teeny tiny bit....but thats it. It just reminds me of how much I miss out on.

As I was watching it too I was watching the clothes they all wear....they all have very different styles. Which got me thinking about the clothes I wear. I live in jeans and baggy tshirts currently. When growing up the thing my mum said to me more then anything was "behave like a lady" anyone who knows me knows I aint no lady! lol. If I was to get down to the clothes that I like its jeans or pants with tanks or tshirts with funky jackets and boots. Its not dresses....its not pink lil tops...and even when I got to goal last time....I did live in flashdance and tight lil t shirts a lot....but I also went for dresses a lot....I didnt go for what I really wanted to wear...and thats gonna change this time...I am going to be the true me....not the me everyone expects. At this point in my life....I remember at Jillians show she talked about....how when we are babies and start to talk everyone claps and cheers...then we get put into school where we are told to be quiet....we are told how to behave and how to think...no more...I am doing this my way....no one elses way.

These are things I need to work on thruout the year....definitely need to focus on "living more" and as I lose weight this time the clothes I buy I want them to more reflect the true me. In line with that I am going to rejoin pink sofa which it is prolly a year or more since I was a member. Coincidently I had a couple of "smiles" (generic way of touching base with someone) on pink sofa this week...I then logged in to look and someone I use to chat with message me....so this week I will resign up and see what happens. I just want to focus on being a more social person, I think how I close myself up is a lot to do with my weight loss struggle...so I need to embrace people (healthy minded people who I feel are good for me....not people who just contact me cos it is convenient to them in that moment) and to live way more!

Weigh in and decisions :)

So I weighed in Monday night and lost 2.5 kilos - very happy with that :)

Last night tho I came home and ate ALL my weekly points...like wtf! On thinking about it I realise I did it out of boredom and wasnt even really hungry. The reason for the boredom? Well I think I am well enough now....that the go to work...come home and watch tv....has got boring...I have spent MONTHS watching a LOT of tv as I wasnt well! So its time to look at my evening activities....which means.....heading back to the gym...

When I started this journey all those years ago I went to fernwood and loved it. I found it incredibly supportive, it was also a smaller gym which i think suited me. Over the years tho I did notice a difference in the support level....and then when I experienced a issue with one of their staff last year, despite having spent over the years well over $20,000 at that gym on PT sessions, food coaching sessions and memberships....the way the management team handled the situation I thought was deplorable. They have since changed owners and I did ring them and speak to one of the owners a few days ago and I was thinking about going back but to be honest I didnt think the vibe was great. And when I said I had about 6 paid PT sessions which I never used they told me they wouldnt know where that paper work was since the change of ownership *lol* So while I was considering it and while it holds good memories there....I dont think returning there is the answer.

I currently have a membership to goodlife....there are 2 outlets that I could easily access...in the city and also north adelaide. Ive never attended the city one but have the nth adelaide one. I sat down last night and listed all the choices of classes i would have,,,,and it was huge,,,,there would always be a class I could do. The gym tho is huge....and doesnt have that same supportive feeling fernwood had all those years ago (but then again I dont think any gym does!). Candice who was my trainer worked there and when I told her late last year I didnt wanna do PT she did kinda try to "sell" to me...so in the end I blocked her number....so its quite likely I will run into her. But in all honesty I really just do wanna do their classes. They are about to start a 12 week challenge...which I could consider....but I prolly wouldnt.

The other option would be Jetts which is around the corner from me. From following their facebook page they seem very community focused and it sounds like a smaller gym. The negative being they dont do Les Mills classes which I do prefer.

At this stage I need to committ to one thing...Im thinking I should just suck it up and get back to goodlife and go from there. I have bought my gym clothes today...so hopefully I will see it thru and do a RPM class tonight :)

Happy monday all :)

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

Mine was quiet. Friday night I did a lil housework, got groceries delivered and had a early night. Saturday morning Fiona came to the house and we did a PT session. We walked over to the local footy over and did some stair climbing and then we did some shuttle runs followed by some mobility exercises with the viper. I huffed and puffed thru the session but i didnt cough so that was huge progress.

Over the rest of the weekend I was kinda lazy hahah! Watched tv, read, played on the puter. haha it was good ;)

I have weigh in tonight. I walk to and from the meeting so should easily hit 12,000 steps today :) Hopefully I have a good weigh in result too (I should!)

The exercise thing is something I have to figure out. PT sessions with fiona on saturday mornings is going awesome and I am so ridiculously happy I went back to training with her. What I do exercise wise during the week I am still figuring out. I would like to go back to fernwood but its a complicated situation (which is innappropriate of me to discuss on here) but that said since this situation has occurred there is a change of owners at the fernwood I go too...so maybe I will call the owners and discuss with them...get a idea if its viable to return there or not. I must admit I have struggled to ever feel as comfortable at any other gym as I did at fernwood.

Well I rang fernwood....it actually is looking like a better situation. Ive told them I will look at rejoining mid feb...so will contact them early february (I dont want to make a rash decision...want to think about it and make sure its the right decision) also they said the timetable for the classes is changing so will wait till they release that to ensure it works for me :)

Have a good monday all!

And the results are in...

So I finally have some explainations about what has been going on in my body :)

Turns out I have gall stones (altho I have had no pain from them) and this has caused reflux which caused the asthma. My liver results arent perfect either as apparantly the gall stones are stopping the release of some of the bile in my liver. My spleen apparantly is a lil large and has a lesion on it but that is just a group of blood vessels so nothing to worry about.

So basically I am off all meds except one tablet of somac each day for reflux :) and to just eat a low fat diet....which on weight watchers is what you (I) do anyway!

Weight loss wise my week has been great! I have stuck to only my daily points and so far (4 days in) have earnt 30 activity points...gotta be happy to do that without a gym lol. Monday I will be expecting a sizeable loss :)

Tonight the plan is to do housework. I did my first online grocery shop last night and that gets delivered tonight. Tomorrow morning I have PT with fiona and i think i might go into north adelaide tomorrow afternoon to look at the op shop.

Not a hell of a lot else going on except its friday *yay* Have a good weekend all!

January 14, 2015

Yesterday went very well :)

Foodwise I was spot on. Went to bed last night all contented....and I in fact didnt eat all my daily points (i was down 1 point). I was sleepy by 7pm last night lol...managed to stay up till 7.40pm then I went to bed...took my ipad in there and started to watch season 1 of veep....didnt even manage one episode and I was asleep LOL....and didnt wake up till a lil before 6.30am :)

I had no painkillers or ventolin yesterday apart from the morning dose. Woke this morning...feel good...took no ventolin this morning and only half the dosage of pain killers (back pain from nearly 3 months of coughing!) I still cough a lil but its really minor. So i really feel the reflux is the answer...but it will prolly take 4 or 5 days to really know. I feel good tho to think I am on the right path. Which of course leads me to think maybe getting back to the gym is in the not too distant future! Possibly as early as the end of the month...I would be ecstatic if that turns out to be the case. :)

As most know I am a daily weigher....and the scales are definitely going down and did a significant drop overnight....which no doubt is partly due to not taking as much medication but also to eating well...I am feeling like I am definitely on the right path at the moment.

My nails are growing too! I bite my nails and they never grow...but amazingly with good food...nail growth seems to be happening....loving how everything seems to be falling into place!

Weigh in result.

So yesterday was weigh in day.

I weighed in with a loss of 800 grams. Was I happy with that? yes and no! lol. I would have liked more but a loss is a loss...considering the amount of medicines etc I am happy :)

I feel in a good place at the moment. Im definitely in the zone. I have done a minimum of 10,000 steps every day since thursday. Today it is raining and actually looks like its going to bucket down, so today hitting the 10,000 steps might be a bit harder. Yesterday I even managed to hit 15,000 steps...yay me!

My eating is going very well. This week I am trying to stick to just my daily points. Have done it the last two days and was pretty easy to do. I am starting to notice my hunger kicking in. Just before my meals I am starting to feel a lil hunger. I remember years ago on Oprah she said that rumbling in her tummy always made her think it was her body eating calories up...lol...so I always think its a good sensation!

Because I believe now the "silent reflux" is causing my cough I am having to watch my eating even more. Currently I am cutting out some key things...carbonated drinks, minimal red meat (I have never been a big red meat eater tho) cheese (apart from feta...no processed slice cheese etc), tomatos, onions, I am also checking the ingredient list of anything I eat...anything that says "acid" in the ingredient list at this stage I wont eat...I just need to eat very clean and low fat to get better. So that has meant things like weight watchers meals, and low fat mayo are out. I am a sandwich girl...its hard to find things to add to my sandwich as I am not having cheese, avocado (too high in fat), mayo....I need to find somethings to add to it! I know I can add salad-y things....but Id like to add something that adds a bit of moisture. Once better I will reintroduce mayo, avocado, tomatos etc but for the moment they are out :(

Thursday I go back to the doctor to get the ultrasound and blood test results. Hopefully in a few weeks time my health will be improving!

Reflux

So I think I have worked out which is causing the cough! I think I have "silent reflux"...my doc has mentioned this previously and even the hospital but there was not a lot of conversation around it. I dont get heartburn but I do get this persistant cough, i dont cough when i sleep, feels like something is stuck in it, problems at times swallowing (pills which is normally never a issue).

When I was at my doctors last week I said I think my diet and exercise is related to this and he said it wasnt LOL. So I am taking control of things haha. My doc had given me some meds before called SOMAC so i have started taking that again. Also my diet i am changing, basically to how I use to eat - low fat. Im going to cut out juices, red meat, tomatos, onion, crap food, chocolate, and soft drink :( Theres lots i can still eat....weetbix, oats, bananas, bread, pasta, most vegies, non citrus fruits etc.

It will be a slow process no doubt but hopefully in a few weeks time I will notice some difference. I also see my doctor on thursday night to get the results of my blood tests and ultrasounds...so find out anything from those and I will also tell him I do think now its reflux and see if there is any other recommendations. Apparantly "alkalining" your body helps which is what I will focus on - including getting a purifying to purify my water.

The weekend was good. I did a session with fiona on saturday morning and then also did a 3km walk in saturday arvo and a 4.93km walk on sunday. Today is weigh in day...Ill be back tomorrow with my results!

Good weight watchers week so far!

So this week has gone good!

I've used 24 of my weekly points which was my plan for the week....I still have tomorrow for this week (and maybe Monday? If I weigh in Monday night does the new week start on Monday or Tuesday ? So the next few days I need to stick to my daily points only.

I've really got into Instagram and finding the ww community in their very supportive (my username on there is kazzsjourney) if you want to follow me on there. Food wise as the week has gone on I have been trying more new recipes. I made quesadilla for lunch today and tonight I am having a pasta dish. The sauce is made with one slice of ww bacon, onion, mushers, capsicum, tomato, chilli season with 59 grams of pasta and 18 grams of pecorino cheese....totals only seven points 

This morning I did my first PT session with Fiona, We walked for part of it then she did some assessment stuff on my alignment, balance etc. we also talked about the importance of support which is so ridiculously important. It feels good to be putting all the things into place that will lead me to be successful!

Positivity!

So yesterday everything went very well :) I had 39 points (my daily points) plus 3 of my weekly points. The intention was to use 4 of my weekly points so happy with this.

Its amazing how even when you take small steps you feel so much better. Being proactive just leads to feeling in control which makes us just feel better within ourselves....even simply one good meal choice or one small walk can be the start of that feeling - and I do love that feeling :)

I am really embracing the journey...no mucking around. I am trying to be active within the weight watchers community, being active on instagram (my username is @kazzsjourney) and just have a more positive approach. I really took what on what they said at the meeting that those who get off to a good start in the first four weeks are more likely to be successful - and I want that to be me! I have no doubt I can do it, its just sticking to it day after day that for me is the key.

It will be better too once I can truly exercise, and I dont mean a walk by that....but go do some group fitness classes at the gym and get me some cardio on lol but thats a while away at this stage.

Everything else is good...positive, positive, positive!

Back to weight watchers :)

So I went and rejoined weight watchers last night and I was very impressed!

I went to the wrong premises initially! LOL But I found the correct meeting. My friend Sharon is the "coach" (weight watcher doesnt call them leaders anymore), anyone after not being a member since like 2008 everything is different!

The membership is done via a ipad by the coach....no filling out paper work. Anyway walked in, got a hug from sharon and then weighed in. Heres the funny bit...when i started ww in 2006 my starting weight (and highested recorded weight) was 173.1 kilos. Now 8 years later I weighed in at 123.1 kilos exactly 50 kilos lighter. I kinda thought that was a good omen!

I then got some of the material and then went and sat down. I found a seat that had a spare seat either side of me....a few minutes later 2 girls came along who knew each other and sat either side of me and the 3 of us just started talking LOL It was weird I am normally so shy!

The meeting talked a lot about goal setting for the next 4 weeks...my aim for the next 4 weeks....is to attend every week and to lose 4.9 kilos....i think that is doable!

I then walked home which was about a half hour walk :)

So i have tracked....got my water....all ready for a good day! Time to kick some ass!!

January 5 2015

Well i am back at work so i have a computer to type on!

I decided yesterday to return to weight watchers. I made it for primarily one reason - support. Its not that i think the ww program is any better then counting calories (altho there program seems very sensible) but the group support is what I feel I need. So I am going to sign up tonight. The meeting is about a 20-25 minute walk to home...so thats all good.

Went back to the doctors today. The medication is controlling things and allowing me to get thru my days with relative ease....a big difference to a few weeks ago! Over the next week or so I have to have a few medical tests done...scan of my liver (I have non alcoholic fatty liver)...and some blood tests...all to check where my liver is at...and doing what i can to get it working better :)

Came back to work today....lot of people commenting that i seem much more alert and more energy. So thats all good.

Im sure I will do a bigger update tomorrow after going to weight watchers tonight!

Enjoy all :)

January 3 2015

Well I have had a really good day today :)

Started off with a weigh in (this wasn't the great part of the day!) I am back to 121.2 kilos..not for eating badly.....I'm quite sure it is fluid retention due to the mix of all the medications I am on.

Tania and I went out for a belated birthday breakfast today :) I was super good....2 slices of fruit toast and a orange juice, followed by a skim hot chocolate. Tania and I then decided to go do some shopping, I bought some new undies from target (I was very excited about this lol) then at Katie's (in the Katie's section no less!) I bought 2 t shirts....one peach coloured and one mint coloured....only $9.95 each and they were a size large (happy with that considering they go up to 2XL in the normal section) then I also bought a navy and white straight slightly fitted top with zippers on the shoulders....very cute....that will be a top for the moment I'll save for going out. When I go out for dinner next I'll take a pic in it :)

Tania and I did discuss some exciting plans.....but more on those another time ;)

We talked a lot today about how important support is (with people in your real life and online)....we also discussed how goals are really important....things to aim for....I have a few currently....to get back into my size 16 undies.....I have a fitted size 18 target top to fit into....

The other good news is this week I am going to start training with Fiona again (will be mostly just walking with some body weight stuff thrown in....push-ups against a bench, planks, she will prolly throw in some tricep dips too) these are all things my lungs should cope with....but she will monitor how I cope....and this will only be once a week.....I want to start doing some half hour walks this week to help build up....my area is hilly but I think I can cope with that...specially in the evening. I've also started just doing some push-ups against a wall....because of my health I will seriously be like a beginner restarting. But as Tania said today....when you hit rock bottom you can only go up :)

Here's to a good week :)

January 1 2015

I am overdue for a post, but it's a bit of a pain updating when I don't have my laptop.

So how am I going? I'm slowly improving. I'm still coughing but the medications are controlling that. I still cannot drink soft drink without coughing madly (that's handy tho lol) I am a couple of kilos down but I know I am retaining fluid (prolly a mix of the meds and that my cycle is due shortly). I've been sticking to 1600 calories and focusing on nutritional foods. I truly believe the eating healthy is necessary to get 100% better. I have noticed since eating better my hair looks healthier and my nails are growing more so that's a good sign my insides are getting healthier. I had a lot of back pain from all the coughing, it was my entire back and the side of my ribs on the left hand side....I still have some pain on the left hand side but it's improving.

My goals for 2015 are pretty simple and basic. To get under 100 kilos. To get 100% healthy. To run the city to bay.

Here is to a good healthy year!!!!!!

December 24th 2014

Last night was not a great night...was coughing a lot (but my own fault I sprayed a bug and think that wasn't a good idea).... I am starting to feel better now tho. The other thing was I managed 8 hours straight sleep last night which was great.

Scale wise they were exactly the same today. I am noticing tho my fingers aren't as fat today (they were quite fat when in hospital to the point I couldn't take my rings off....they are coming off easily again)

I have got my food for tomorrow but not planning to go nuts (in fact I have tracked it all already and will keep to my 1600 calorie limit) the main treat apart from Turkey and ham off the bone for lunch and dinner....I bought a Christmas cake with icing....a 100 gram slice (which would be pretty huge) is like 331 calories...but I've managed to fit in a slice and still be under 1600 calories :)

I really want (when better) focus some more on me. I want to get out and buy some nice clothes to fit me now. I'm sick of wearing clothes that are too tight cos I'm too stubborn to buy a larger size. I need clothes that fit me nice now while I lose and get down to those smaller sizes.

I am tossing up between wanting to buy a hair straightener and also a curler...I want to take better care of my hair and start putting some effort into it.

I need some new makeup. Some new mascara, eye colouring, brushes and foundation. I recently (okay the day I saw jillian lol)bought a nice new lipstick.

I want to be simply more "living" spending more time with my true friends...I want my Saturday mornings to be spent out running .... Evenings a hour or so at the gym....socialising on the weekends (not so many Saturday nights at home alone)....getting my health totally back on track...sorting Otis this breathing/asthma issue and also making my liver healthier. I also want to get back to that point where I am wearing pretty classic girly clothes again....and feeling feminine in them inside and out. This has been a crappy end to 2014 but think it will be a much better story by the end of 2015 :) need to start thinking about some actual fitness goals for 2015 :)

Where have I been?

So for those who don't know I have just spent a couple of nights in hospital I

have had a bad virus and that exasperated asthma and I came out of hospital yesterday afternoon feeling much better now but it has certainly been a huge wake-up call and I will be going on focusing now on simply eating healthy I'm not so concerned with weight loss am really just focusing on getting lots of nutrients in my body to help me recover.

It was very sobering to have doctors tell me how sick I was and couldn't help think that I prolly wouldn't have got so sick if still 80 kilos... And also how bad it would be if I got to 173 kilos again....I just cannot allow it. My focus is solely on recovery at the moment but by eating healthy, nutritious food it should ultimately help with weight loss. My liver results were elevated and there was a discussion with my doc about losing more weight.

For now I'm off work till January 5. (My employer has been sooooo supportive I'm so blessed) so for now it's rest while still getting up and doing bits and pieces as it's important to start strengthening my lungs. In early February I will be going to see a specialist to have lung function testing (they think I may be mildly asthmatic) and I also need to get a scan of my liver as those blood test results were elevated (I have fatty liver) but my doc mentioned I prolly need to be tested for hepatitis a etc

But the main thing is I'm improving, and focusing on getting well? I'm on steroids as well as a preventer and inhaler. I've also had antibiotics and antiviral medication intravenously and surprisingly my weight has not gone up...it's 121.6 as of this morning. The steroids can make you gain....so prolly next Wednesday or so once I've finished the steroids I will get a real view of where my weight is at :) 

Remember nothing matters more then your health :)

December 18th 2014

Well it appears I am getting ANOTHER dose of tonsilitis! ARGH!

I had my tonsils out when I was 3 - dont recall having tonsilitis since....and this is my second dose in 8 weeks! Which tells me a few things...one.this weight loss is no longer about a dress size or number on the scales...i need to get healthy pure and simple...i havent been 100% well for 8 weeks....and im sick of it! Im going to start taking vitamin C...any other supplements anyone knows of specifically to help improve immune system? This is really now about saving my life...i cannot afford to be on sickness benefits or confined to myself...or to be 173.1 kilos again...so HEALTH it is!


Lunch today was spinach, rocket, parmassan, pear salad with some chicken and bacon. Pretty damn healthy and not a slice of bread in sight!

I have a doctors appointment this arvo for my cough (which actually seems to be improving) now it will be about this sore throat as well lol...eff me! lol

Not much else to say (well there is...but not well so cannot be bothered!)

Hump day :)

Went out for dinner last night and all went good :) There were some temptations but I stuck to my warm chicken salad (which was huge).

I am back to the doctors again tomorrow night for this cough. I had a chest xray monday night and they told me there was nothing abnormal. Ive not felt this is in my chest this entire time (which is prolly why the inhalers havent worked) i feel its larangytis or pharyngitis and that i need antibiotics so im gonna tell him that tomorrow night....fingers crossed he gives me antibiotics....cos im sick of this coughing and want to get back to the gym and im sure i just need a good dose of antibiotics.

I have been cold at work today...thought this morning oh maybe its cos im not eating as much the last day or so....but hmmmm my throat feels a bit scratchy this arvo - hope this isnt a indication that im getting a repeat of the tonsilitis! Argh :(

Have a good humpday all!

Plan for the rest of the year and early 2015

Over the last couple of years something puzzled me - why have i suddenly had carb cravings? When i was successful at losing weight i of course had moments where i went off track (i remember once making sausage rolls and that set me off track lol) but for the majority of the time in 2010 and 2011 i was on track .... no binging etc.

Over the last few weeks ive come to some conclusions. When i lost weight i was quite routine about my food...weetbix for breakfast...sandwich (no processed cheese) made with burgen bread for lunch and then no grains at dinner time....that worked for me. Over the last few years....the weetbox changed quite regularly to fruit toast (i still had weetbix or oats at times) and the burgen bread changed to coles or woolies brand multigrain bread - whatever was on special. I realise now...those couple of changes prolly had a big impact on me losing my way.

I mentioned it recently....in the mornings i am fine...no cravings etc.....but once lunch comes and ive had a sandwich i want to eat all carbs in sight! (no exageration). Over the years i discoverred following someone elses eating program doesnt work for me, i like to be in control of my weight loss and do what i feel works for me (which is why slim, 12wbt, lite n easy etc have never worked for me). So i am putting some changes in place...the initial changes i will do until the end of january...the only exceptions being christmas day and i will have a piece of cake on my birthday...so here we go:

Until end of january:
no bread, pasta, rice, oats, potato
eggs for breakfast (bacon as well as a treat on weekends)
Two pieces of fruit a day

First two weeks in february:
start having weetbix - will guage my cravings

Last 2 weeks in february:
If cravings under control still add a sandwich at lunch with burgen bread

No buying ANYTHING at work cafeteria apart from diet coke (yes im back in it lol), lozenges, fruit, salad, hot skim chocolate

In a sense I guess what I am doing at least initially is based loosely on primal except I will be eating legumes as well.

Its 8am....so far today ive had two scrambled eggs, with milk and spinach - good start to the day. Think I may be going out for dinner tonight...which will really test this plan!

Think we are on to a winner here people! Enjoy

PS becoming addicted to twitter haha...feel free to follow me @kazzsjourney :)

Support

Ive commented on this briefly in the past but it clicked more within me on the weekend.

Support - we just cannot do this journey by ourselves.

When I was successful before I got support from a number of areas:

Fiona - who I am going to train with again. I was very lucky to get fiona as a trainer. We have some parts of our personality that is quite similar, I always found her very easy to talk to and her opinion, feedback always helpful. Having those 30 or 60 minute sessions which were solely just about me were so helpful...for me PT was much more then just some exercises (in fact they were prolly secondary) it was more about the talking....and the talking of everything from nutrition to relationships with people.

Weight watchers forum - they were SO good .... back in the day, no longer doing ww i dont go there much plus unfortunately now they are all into groups not the forums the community is very divided and dare i say it even hidden.

My journal - Tania pointed out something yesterday - she said you didnt just write about your weight loss you really use to talk about what was going on within you. She said i used it kinda like a therapy LOL. My journal was imperative.

My weight watcher friends - I lost contact with a lot of them. But back in the day there was a lot of us on a similar journey. I know tania and martine are very focused on their health in 2015. They use to have a private group (well still do im just not part of it)...I allowed myself to "hermit" and even Tania i lost contact with and have only recently got back into contact with...I need to focus on my friendships especially those with people who are like minded.

Tania and I were talking yesterday about how technology has changed. Blogs are not as big a thing as they once were, its all about facebook and twitter etc now. And dont get me wrong they are both good for different reasons...but its hard in a facebook post to put down thoughts and feelings. Its hard to use that as a way to connect with others. So I am going to keep the blog alive LOL...if you know of any good blogs or read any - please let me know!

I think support is imperative with this journey. The successful people, the people who maintain for years later...are the ones who cultivate the support network and embrace it. Lets do this!

Well I am very impressed with me. I am putting some changes in place so 2015 can be the year of awesomeness!

So ive set up some accountability with weighing in at HI....AND I have spoken to Fiona about training with her again (once a week at this stage) and lucky me she said yes :)  so we will prolly start with bootcamp style workouts and then when it cools down a lil back to some running :) Fiona is so good for my mindset I am soooo super excited for this!

I've also started to post photos of my food on Twitter....so if u wanna follow me lok up @kazzsjourney

Tonight I'm out for dinner at Jamie Oliver's restaurant .... I'm planning to have bruschetta followed by a prosciutto, walnut and pear salad ⭐️It's nice feeling in control!!!

Today is not going to be a great day foodwise...its xmas lunch today and its all finger food (sausage rolls, pies, pasties, cake, lollies, chips, dips, wraps etc etc)

Ive allocated 500 calories for it and just going to have a omlette for dinner and no snacks today...so hopefully it doesnt do too much damage (i will be glad for january when these things wont come up!) we are also doing kris kringle today.

Went back to the doctors last night. He is a lil puzzled over my cough. I initially had tonsilitis and he said that shouldnt cause a cough like mine. And the inhaler he had me on should have been effective after 3 days. So he has put me back on codeine linctus for another 5 days and also gastric reflux tablets in case i have silent reflux. Tonight i am going to get a chest xray as well. He said he cannot hear anything in my chest so the xray is just a precaution. He also said their is a cough going around that lasts about 6 weeks so it may be that i have (ive had it 6 weeks on sunday) I had read tho that my inhaler can take about 2 weeks to be effective.....hopefully when i finish the codeine this time i dont get worse again...fingers cross...i go back next thursday for ANOTHER follow up appointment (am over visiting doctors and paying for medications!)

I emailed Healthy Inspirations yesterday - told them I really liked the accountability i can get from them but not so much there eating plan....so i want to do my own thing but weigh in - they were all good for that sent me a lovely response back saying it was fine to weigh in have my measurements done etc so thats all good.

Had a look at the menu for jamie olivers tomorrow night...theres a proscuitto, walnut and pear salad...think that may be a winner with some entre (maybe mini stuffed capsicums?)

Enjoy all! :)

Thursday 11th December

I gave some thoughts to this diet plan last night, and while I will follow it 90% I decided I wont 100%. I think its been brilliant for showing me what leads to my cravings but there is somethings (oats and milk) which I dont think are necessary to omit.

So going as from today I have resigned up for MFP and am sitting at 1600 calories (thats what jillian recommends) and will calorie cycle. My plan will basically look like this with slight variances allowing for low and high calorie days:

breakfast: oats, protein powder and milk (if its a high calorie day ill have chia seeds as well)
Snack:Protein shake with light milk
Lunch:egg, salad and mayo
Snack:Protein shake with light milk
Dinner:Chicken and salad

As you can see its still eating really clean. I think Ive also accepted that the month of december wont be perfect eating. As anyone who knows me well knows I tend to be a bit of a hermit...so the socialising aspect is important for me. So I am going to go to social events, be in control have some treats but nothing nutty. So when I go to dinner saturday night (Saturdays will be 1900 calories) I will try and save at least 1000 calories. I will prolly have a entree and a dinner of my choice (and if i choose pasta so be it!)

My cough started to deteriate again yesterday :( thankfully i am back to the docs this evening...i think i needed to be on the codeine linctus for longer as i dont think the inhaler is effective yet (it can take a couple of weeks) so hopefully he will write me out a script for it.

I am also going to clean up my blog list (on the right over there------------>) a lot of them havent been updated a year or more and some have spam on them. There are a few I read regularly so those I will keep...if you keeep a journal or can recommend a good one leave me a comment on here or on my facebook group and i will add you!

Okies time for work...enjoy your day all!

Update :)

So time for a update - lots of good stuff happening!

My cough is clearing up (yay!) After nearly 5 weeks of this dreaded cough i got in to see my usual doctor last thursday...he advised was a ost viral asthmatic cough and put me on codeine linctus for 5 days as well as a inhaler (which i still take 4 times a day).....its definitely on the improve. But not 100% yet....but massively improved from a week ago :)

Some of you (who are on my facebook group) will already know a lot of this. I joined healthy inspirations which is a weightloss centre for females. One of the biggest advantages to them is their high level of accountability. You are expected to weigh in 3 times a week (altho they told me some only weigh in 2 times a week) weighing in every few days seems to be giving me the accountability I need, there is no...i'll just have this and get back on track tomorrow...cos tomorrow is prolly a weigh in day! LOL I started saturday morning and did my first weigh in monday night and was down 1.7 kilos....tonight i will go and weigh in as well. I took a peak on the scales at home and I seem to be down 400 grams from monday so we will see how it goes.

Healthy Inspirations has a curve  style circuit and a few classes. In all honesty i think the circuit will bore me and their classes dont appear too intense (i watched a boxing class and they didnt seem to punch too hard) HI is $30 a week....(plus gives me a 5% discount at my local grocery store). When i was at fernwood i spent $300 a fortnight doing 3 PT sessions per week so i am getting that for a tenth of the cost. I most likely will join the local jetts gym. While HI will work the first few weeks...(i havent exercised for 6-7 weeks cos of my cough) im pretty sure i will get my fitness back pretty quickly and will need more exercise wise then HI will offer me. It would work out with both jetts and HI it would cost me $90 a fortnight which is wayyyyyyyyy cheaper then what I use to pay.

I still have my fitness goals...one primarily i want to do some runs in 2015 and I know weight work is crucial...I also want to do a mix of classes which jetts seems to accomodate for,

I have a busy weekend this weekend! Saturday night out for dinner with Martine - we are going to Jamie Olivers restuarant so ooo la la - fancy!! Sunday think i am going out for brunch and then a movie with Tania. Then my sister will be down sunday to wed so we will hopefully catch up for dinner one night. :)

Improving!

I am getting better! Thank goodness at last. Still going slow....still coughing...but definitely coughing less and I have more energy....give it another week or so and I think ill be right to add dairy back in the diet and start exercising again.

Im still debating what to do. Do i go back to PT (which is $55 a session)....do i find a cheaper PT....do i get a online trainer (i have a friend who does this...and have spoken to him....if i go down this path he could take me on in december or january)...im unsure what to do at this stage...i need accountability...but i dont wanna spend ridiculous amounts on a trainer....partly i think this is about my health and investing this kind of money is worth it....another part of me thinks if one of my goal is to travel....then paying for PT wont enable me to do that....so im in a pickle about that at the moment!

Foodwise im going back to eating 1800 cals tomorrow...im gonna try and hit my protein goal (135 grams) but with not eating dairy (and so not eating cereal i add protein powder too, not eating protein shakes etc its hard) so i want to at least be under 1800 cals .... a bonus would be to hit my protein macro as well.

Anyway the aim of this week is simply to recover more...maybe next weekend i will be up to going out for a walk...even a 20 minute walk would be awesome.

Back to work tomorrow...hopefully the coughing stays under control while in the office too....have a good day all :)

Slight gain

Well the scales went up overnight...up to 116.5 kilos. I think tho thats due to the puffer i am taking as it has steroids in it which can cause some weight gain (fluid) but at least im eating good again :)

My cough is SLOWLY improving. Supposedly it takes around a week for the puffer to be effective...thursday it will be a week so hopefully by early next week it will be close to being gone. Another week or so of rest after that (so i dont relapse) i will hopefully be back at the gym.

Not much else going...just a bit super proud that im eating so much better (oh and 2.5 weeks without diet coke!)

Sick

Well I am still sick! Actually I am getting better but far from 100% :( What started out as a infected cyst in my throat has now turned into a bad cough that wont go away - I am on a puffer for it...and its slowly improving.

My ankle which I sprained still has some pain in it (altho minor) and nearly 2 weeks later STILL has bruising! But i had it xrayed last thursday and its definitely not broken.

So the gym is still a while away ..even if my ankle was 100% i wouldnt be going due to the cough. Im hoping to be back there in 2 weeks time..I dont want to go back there before I am ready and ending up sick again.

The interesting thing is my appetite has really disappeared! Pretty much since I walked out of Jillians show. I also havent had a diet coke since then...so not sure if its from the not having diet coke (ive always believed thats contributed to my carb cravings) or Jillians sublimal messages (lol) or a combination of both.

After not working most of last week I am working today - and surviving so far. The biggest killer for this cough is the office air conditioning...and its certainly making me cough to a degree but not as bad as I expected.

The other good thing was...even tho while being sick i havent tracked calories i was SLIGHTLY down from 2 weeks ago...2 weeks ago i was 117.3 kilos this morning 115.9 kilos. And that said ive not been eating "great" foods....no milk cos that makes me cough...nothing cold...ive been eating lots of plain pasta cos that just slides down my throat, but this evening i am going to cook a beef stir fry for dinner :)

I am really ready to lose this lard and so thing daily posts (or close to it will be back on the agenda)!

On track :)

Its funny how since the Jillian show my eating has been so on track. I have been a lil hungry right before meals (just as I use to get a few years ago) and I am not looking for food every minute I am awake LOL. I think some subtle messages must have gotten thru to me :)

In line with that the scales have gone down...altho my official weigh in is on saturday on the gyms scales....my trainer told me just to aim for a half a kilo loss but it will be bigger then that.

Tonight I was suppose to go to the gym for RPM...BUT i have come down with a sore throat and my ears are a bit blocked. Suspecting I may be coming down with something (but I have NO time for this!)...so tonight a early night...rug up will get warm and I have some lemsip...hopefully that will knock this on the head. I have run out of paid sick leave at least for a month or so...so cannot afford to be sick,

Not much else going on...still trying to come down to earth from Jillian haha!

Jillian Michaels

So I went to Brisbane on Thursday to see  Jillian Michaels show "Maximise your life". I flew in thursday morning and spent thursday at my Aunties house....I saw 2 Uncles I hadnt seen since I was 14 and 2 cousins I hadnt seen since I was 9 :)

Friday I spent the day at Southbank with my Aunty and we caught up with one other aunty for a coffee. Afterwards I went and got my eyebrows waxed and then Went back to the hotel for a lil lie down before the show.

I got to the theatre a lil after 6.30pm picked up my VIP pass:

I then went and bought some merchandise (which looking later at my bank account I shouldnt have)...I bought 2 t shirts...both black one in my current size and one in size small...so a goal t shirt :) I also bought a mug:

The show started a lil after 7.30pm. The show was broken up into 3 sections: Science (food), Sweat (exercise) and self (mindset) I seriously could have sat there for hourssssssssss listening to Jillian. When she initially came out she high 5'd everyone in the front row (and yes I was in the front row!) Janice who is her radio show producer was also part of the show and was HILARIOUS omg so funny! Here is some pics:

So what did I get out of the show??? LOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is a brief recap in dot points:

Food: She showed how to work out how many calories to eat to lose weight. Surprisingly she had a easy way to lose weight...move more eat less LOL. But after she showed us that she then told us next important thing is NOT macros....but instead the quality of food is the next important thing. She then went on to explain to suss out what to eat or not to eat...do it like this - you rate foods 1 to 10. Foods that are a 1 are things like salmon, chicken breast, blue berries etc...foods that are a 5 are treat foods but treat foods not full of a pile of crap (organic chocolate for example) and a 10 food would be fast food junk. Sooooooooooo you eat 1 to 5 foods but no 10 foods. You eat 1 foods 80% of the time and 5 foods 20% of the time.

Nurture yourself: Have a relationship with yourself. As an example she said...if you want a partner who buys you flowers....go buy yourself flowers and put them on your bedside cabinet

Dont be a dick: self explainatory lol....basically....just be a nice person

Exercise : Work out at 85% of your heart rate. She recommended basically anything that gets you moving....her suggestions were pilates, yoga, kick boxing, running, weights, pole dancing. She then said....if pilates doesnt get you to 85% of your heart rate then do something else, but her emphasise was on doing what you enjoy. She also recommended 5-6 hours of exercise a week.

I also LOVED how she doesnt love exercise. My previous trainer made it seem wrong that I didnt like exercise. But Jillian was similar to me...doesnt enjoy the process but likes the benefits.

Dont cosign your own bullshit: Yep I do this too much. "Yeh Ill just eat this today...tomorrow I will get back on track" - no more

Be present: Nothing new here...but its so important to just live in the moment. I did that at the show...I paid attention only to the show...not taking photos or paying attention to others around me....

She talked a lot about how we all eat a sandwich full of such things as guilt, hate, anger etc and I could relate some of this to my weight gain. She also talked a lot about finding our why:

Theres a couple of reasons for my weight gain. My guilt from setting up limitations with mum. After she passed away I have felt guilty for that even tho I know it was the best decision for me especially for my mental health. We cannot change others actions/choices ... only our own. So I did what was best for me and while I wish mum was still here it is up to me to live the best life I can.

I dated someone in 2011...I think i felt "lucky" and that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and if it didnt work out that was it for me. It didnt eventuate into anything and i think instead of putting myself out there again I let fear get in the way and decided to dump real people and reconnect with my friend food. I decided and remember very clearly deciding and saying (to anyone who would listen) I dont need the drama of meeting and dating someone. The truth of the matter is I want a social life. I want to get out there and travel, to hang with friends and spend a decent proportion of my life laughing, and with luck meet that person who not only makes me laugh but that I end up having some crazy, passionate relationship with. As Jillian says we all need a why,,,,thats my why,

And for the most important thing! A pic of me with Jillian!!

Decision made :)

Well after to-ing and fro-ing about returning to weight watchers I decided not to return and to stick to counting calories. I dont want to offend anyone about ww .... but for me....there is too much stuff up in the air...do you or dont you eat the weekly points, activity points etc...how many pieces of fruit do you stick too etc etc....I also looked at some of the meals.... fruit toast is less points then oats, protein powder and milk...while there is a slight calorie different....it seemed to me odd...to see a program like that where I would go...well fruit toast is lower points so i will go for that...but its got a huge amount of sugar in it....I just cannot come to a level of peace about it...if i was new to losing weight i prolly would....but with my nutritional knowledge it doesnt seem the right decision.

One of the big reasons for contemplating going to ww was the accountability of weighing in...but  my trainer had offered to do that on saturdays before PT so think i will message her tomorrow and tell her i want to start weighing in with her.

This week is a funny week....as I head off to brisbane thursday morning and see Jillian Michaels on friday (yay!). So exercise wise i will do PT on monday & tuesday, RPM on wednesday night, there is a workout with Jillian on friday (only 30 minutes) and then sunday when I am back I will go into the gym for body pump. So only 3 working days this week ... yay!

Have a fab day all =]

In the moment

Today I woke up early and was laying in bed ... thinking. I knew I had PT this morning and I was looking forward to it. I was keen. I wasnt keen to go do a trillion squats or pushups....but I was keen for the 45 minutes of just focusing on me and my journey....and knowing how accomplished I would feel afterwards.

It got me thinking how things can change. The trainer I have now I have only been training with since August. In november 2013 i started training with a different trainer..I realise now I was only going thru the motions....she didnt like me. She didnt like dealing with someone who had issues and wasnt in love with the gym. Having got to 173 kilos as my highest I obviously have issues. You dont put your body thru that kind of stress without giving it some long term effects. Whether it is mental effects (fears of breaking things from weight, falling over or simply how I looked doing certain exercises)

I ended up leaving when I couldn't deal with that trainer anymore (long story I wont bore yas with!), and what clicked to me today is whilst my personal training sessions are WAY more intensive these days...I am not just going thru the process....I am actually in the moment - which is so important!

So today I went into the gym, 15 minutes on the cross trainer and then a 45 minute PT session. My trainer comes and gets me and says....we are doing 100 reps of each exercise today....lol....dies! Haha!! But actually the session flew by!

So thats what I am going to remember today ...if I am just going thru the motions....whatever I am doing is probably not the right thing for me...keep looking for the right thing...so I can live in the moment!

October 15 2014

Feels like a lot has happened since the weekend!

So ive started doing the 3 PT sessions a week.  They are going really good and are basically weight sessions...altho they are cardio sessions as well...as they include a mix of things with the weight work. The sessions are going great, and she commented last night that my back (since the injury) has made really good progress....so thats awesome news :)

Foodwise I have been back on track since Sunday. But I decided yesterday some more accountability is needed. So I have decided to return to Weight Watchers. Food is food...its all the same (whether i count calories or Ww points) but i feel at the moment the accountability of the meetings will help. So I will start going mondays on 27/10 (next monday I have PT monday night due to me going away) So im still counting calories till I start and get a full understanding of their program (never know maybe Ill get lifetime membership!)

I have been at the gym the last 3 out of 4 days :) Ive had some stresses going on...and decided to not go tonight and have a "mental health break".... I am noticing the days I gym it....its a breeze sticking to my food.

I got my delivery of trutein chocolate peanut buttercup protein powder today (yum!!!) they also included some sachets of their other flavours (chocolate truffle, cinnabun, shamrock, vanilla bean) and also some pre workout drinks (think they are like high caffeine to get more out of ur workouts....need to look at them properly)....i love my oats with protein powder and cold milk so glad I will be back to having them in the morning!!

Any ww recommendations....Im happy to hear them (current recipe books I should get, food items - not that ill be eating much artificial foods, etc)

OH and btw!!! 7 sleeps till I head off to brisbane...and 8 sleeps till Jillian!

October 12 2014

Last night I went out to dinner with Martine. I was getting dressed to go out....grabbed a jumper of mine. Its a gorgeous jumper....anyway it was a jumper I love...thats a loose fit. I havent worn it for a month or two....put it on....and it was even tight on my ARMS! my arms!!! like wtf???? I was so disgusted....I felt awful the entire night. Over the last week clothes are not fitting me, ive got a very slight amount of fluid on my feet (anyone who followed my journal from 2006 may remember I had severe fluid retention in my feet and calves that took months to improve), cramps in my toes (these are agony), its got to the point where its no longer a option. I cannot restart the next day or the day after..at this rate i will be 173 kilos again before I know it....and that just cannot happen pure and simple.

The bright light in all this is I am still pretty damn fit. I talked lots with Martine last night, one of the keys for me has ALWAYS been the gym. I need to attend the gym at least 5 days a week. The gym has always been a huge source of motivation for me. Even days I dont attend the gym....at the very least I need to go for a walk. So my exercise plan this week is:

monday : 45 minutes RPM + 30 minutes treadmill
tuesday: 45 minutes PT + 30 minutes treadmill
wednesday: 45 minutes RPM + 30 minutes treadmill
thursday: 45 minutes PT + 30 minutes treadmill
friday: Yoga (if i can make the class on time if not 45 minutes treadmill)
saturday: 45 minutes PT + 30 minute walk
sunday: Body balance

Heres to a healthy week!

October 11 2014

So I decided to up the ante and have committed to doing 3 PT sessions per week. Now I must say...I have done PT for years...these sessions are without a doubt the hardest I have ever done! LOL...For one thing they are longer....45 minutes. She (Candice) does a lot of circuit work including weights and cardio...which is very similar to how Jillian trains ;) So I did a PT session on thursday night and I did another this morning.Let me say the session involved: seated rows, step ups, bench press, weighted squats, leg press, wall squat sits, burpees, rower, walking lunges, crunches, cycling hah...I kid you not!

So my PT sessions are now: tuesday, thursday and saturday. So basically I have a session once every 2 to 3 days. My trainer when we discussed it was like....we will do weights in your sessions (altho as you can see from above plenty of cardio as well) and you can do cardio the other days (mostly monday and wednesday to allow for recovery on friday and sunday) When my trainer came to get me for my session today I was on the treadmill, walking on a incline. And she was like...question do you ever jog on this thing. hah. So she wants me to work on the jogging/running thing.

Tonight off out for dinner with Martine.

Have a fab night all!

5 October 2014

Yanno I nearly didnt post today....yet again my eating has not been great...and I thought oh i cannot again post "i am getting back on track" but yanno its my journal....so ill post it again and again till i do get completely back on track ;)

I have started to go thru my MFP friend list...not that I have a lot of friends on there but I do have a number of people who will post things like "i want to eat all the carb foods you have butter on"....and i think subconciously it is prolly a lil triggering. I think have online support is a GREAT benefit....but it needs to be the right support. Some of my friends on MFP are also not anti additives...and by that i mean they will debate whether there is scientific proof if artificial sweeteners, additives etc have been scientifically proven to cause issues. So I think I need to keep a watch on that list.

Anyway....back onto things...I think tho I will do a straight 1500 calories for a week or so then once I start to plateau Ill switch to calorie cycling. Tomorrow the gym is closed (well its open when I  am at work only) so no gym tomorrow night....but i am finishing work at 3.30pm so theres no reason not to fit a walk in...then tuesday night PT. I also start a second PT session per week this week. As has always been the case for me....they gym is crucial for me....its where I get a lot of motivation from...so time to really throw myself back into it! So exercise wise this is the plan this week:

Monday : Small walk
Tuesday : PT plus some cardio work
Wednesday : Upper body workout
Thursday : RPM Friday ; Leg workout
Saturday : PT plus some cardio workout


The aim would be to burn 3000 calories this week...so a average of 6oo cals a day (without accounting for monday)

I have stomach cramps today so didnt do a lot...relaxed watching tv....did a couple of loads of washing....washed my bed linen so fresh sheets on the bed tonight...yay!

Okay....here is to a good week...:)

September 27 2014

well missing in action for a few days! Thursday night I went to a bbq with my team from work. We are breaking up ;( tuesday is the last day we all work together unfortunately . The bbq was at my boss's house....we all decided to bring whatever food...and it was a huge of food! but we all put on a pretty good spread! lol (and yes calories went out the window that day lol) one of the guys had a cob bread filled with a dip made of mayo, sour cream, bacon, parsley and god knows what else....it tasted like cheese but with no cheese...it was the bomb! I did eat a bit of that - I couldnt help myself! On top of that i had 2 sausages...piece of blackforest cake...a cupcake...and a small handful of chips....certainly overate but it wasnt overly excessive (just all high calorie foods!) but it was a good night..we were a good team...all got on ridiculously well....laughed a lot...im sad that team is being broken up :(

I tried to get up early enough to attend classes but gave up LOL. I have to be up at 7.15am on monday which will kill me...but going back to work will get my sleeping back on track quick smart. So gave up and figured ill relax till monday then my routine will recommence!

Yesterday my cals were 1300 and i ended up on 1319 for the day so was happy with that. Today is a higher calorie day so 1800. I havent eaten heaps today and funnily enough not too hungry....if i have 1000 calories left by dinner tonight i might splurge and get carbonara from the lil italian store (normally i get a kebab/yiros) on saturday nights if not going out.

Oh I just discoverred the tv show the new adventures of old christine...ive watched a few episodes and its hilarious...downloading season 1 so this arvo i think a bit of laughter watching that from episode 1.

Not much else going on...enjoy ur weekend all :)

September 24 2014

Last night I went to the gym. I did 10 minutes of incline walking on the treamill...the plan was to do 25 minutes but I got my start time for PT mixed up....started at 7.15pm but I thought was 7.30pm. Anyway so first thing me and my trainer went to her office to discuss my weekly workouts...to change the upper body that she had written me and also to work out a weekly plan which will look like this:

Monday : RPM (and body pump if not sore)

Tuesday : PT

Wednesday : Upper body

Thursday : pump or RPM

friday : lower body

saturday : PT

Sunday : 1 hour walking

thursday and sunday are essentially active recovery days.

Went to the hairdressers...got my hair cut and coloured....oooh la la!

Tomorrow I will be doing body pump in the morning...then tomorrow arvo/evening I have a bbq at my managers house which should be fun...will be good to see everyone from work :)

Calories have been great....after being 113.1 kilos last wednesday morning...i was 106.1 kilos this morning :)

Enjoy your day all!

September 23 2014

So a few interesting things :) One thing I notice the more I go on the internet is I am hardly the first person to do well with weight loss...and then struggle...whether its cos someone gained 5 kilos or all their weight...or just lost their enthusiasm for the lifestyle...im not on my own....and possibly it was even to be expected. I think realising it happens to many....and it doesnt make me a failure is a huge thing for me :)

I also decided tonight at the gym I am going to have a chat to my trainer. Someone left a timely response on my MFP profile (which by the way if you want to follow me is kazzsj0urney) saying...."it doesnt all need to be cardio or all resistance work"... actually it was much longer then that but it basically was...doing a variety of what you enjoy...and lets be honest I find classes better! So my suggestion to my trainer is 2 days a week ill train with her....2 days a week ill do classes...one day a week ill walk with Martine and then 2 days a week ill do my trainers program. Initially the classes i will get into will be pump and RPM....my new gym tho also has cardio grit....i dont think im fit enough for that one yet...but that will be a goal.

So tonight i am going to get into the gym about 45 minutes before my PT session and do about 25 minutes of incline walking on the treadmill and 20 minutes or so on the xtrainer. If i am going to start running for training once i get down to the low 90's i need to start getting more comfortable on the treadmill and not fear it so much...so will start with incline walking :)

September 22 2014

Went to the gym today with the intention to do my upper body workout. I went to do the first exercise and my trainer suddenly appeared LOL. I told her the program is a lil all over the place...which is gonna be hard specially when i go back to work and going to the gym in the evenings  when its busy. So she is going to rewrite my program so its not as much moving about the gym. So i will get the new program tomorrow night. I will also then talk to her about how my goal is to be in the low 90s by february and then I want to start running again.

Foodwise...all on track today.....suppose to be 1300 cals today and I should finish up on 1335 calories for the day.

Not a heck of a lot else to say! Enjoy your day all :)

September 20 2014

Another good day :) My headache is very mild...barely there....where as the last  few days i spent in bed...today i got up...spent the entire day up...ventured to the shops...did several loads of washing.

Today was a high calorie day...this afternoon the plan was to have some greek yoghurt with protein powder in it (which i often have) but it was yuck. So i didnt eat it...went looking for a different snack...had a banana and pb....and still wasnt satisfied....so had a few bits of fritz. Normally that would be a time to go...bugger it...lets go crazy. But i really am realising this is no longer a case of "i can restart tomorrow". Nothing is more important then my health and focusing on it...i really deserve this....and its not just me saying that...im starting to believe it again!

 In a couple of weeks time my friend Martine and I are going to start walking around the torrens river on sunday mornings. :)

Tomorrow morning I want to get the house organised in the  arvo i want tomake up sandwiches to freeze....i also wanna do some baking....make some protein balls....(gotta find some good recipes) and maybe some muffins which I will freeze...will go thru my symply too good to be true books later. (Im stillbeing cautious as i dont want the migraine to return) monday morning will be the upper body workout and then tuesday night PT.

Also the scales went down overnight a lil too...super glad specially as I took painkillers yesterday (then tend to make me retain fluid)...so as of this morning was 107.8 kilos.

Have a fab saturday night all!

September 19 2014

I have had the migraine from hell of late. Started wednesday night....yesterday I was vomiting from it....its now friday night....my stomach and head are still sore but improving...hopefully tomorrow i will be up and about and back to the gym on sunday (body balance class)

Its strange i got back from my holiday and just got straight back on track (which is a relief). Over my week holiday i gained 8.2 kilos (i kid you not!) back on track 2 days and I am down 4.9 kilos....with luck by this time next week i will be back to where I was before my holidays (104.9 kilos)...im currently 108.2 kilos.

I spoke to candice on wednesday night and will start doing 2 x 45 minute PT sessions a week in a few weeks time (on tuesday nights and saturday mornings). As i have mentioned too she has written me out programs....come monday i hope i will be well enough to get back into them...its a different way of training to what I have done in the past. Its definitely strength training focused but done as circuits and the idea is to time myself which means they are quite cardio based as well. So not doing fitness classes - except body balance once a week.

I also decided on some goals. Until i get under 91 kilos I just want to focus on my weight loss. Im hoping my the start of 2015 I will be back under 91 kilos. Then I want to start doing some running AND stairclimbing training. My aim is to do 3 x 5kmish runs next year, one 10km run and also do the eureka stair climb in melbourne in november. Stairclimbing and running both help each other. But I dont want to train for either till i am a bit smaller again. I think also I might look outside of SA for some of the runs....get a few weekends away as part of it...yanno....live life a bit more!

Foodwise going good...im back calorie cycling (which works best for me) and eating 1500 calories....works well!

Next week is my last week of leave :( Wednesday arvo I have a hair appointment...getting a completely different look....thursday morning i THINK i might be climbing mount lofty....thursday arvo/evening a bbq at my managers house....and saturday night out to dinner with Martine...so i need to get superwell so im all good come monday!

Have a fab weekend all :)

September 16 2014

So after deciding to stop posting here and my fb page....I decided against that. I have decided instead it is more beneficial to embrace and build my support network.

So I am back from my holiday YAY. A week of hotel living was not good for the waist line! Eek.

This morning when I woke and checked FB i had a lil bit of a reality check...a friend of mine i went to school with and who is 6 months younger then me had a mini stroke. She is okay but its a huge reminder. I started this weight loss journey all these years ago...not to get into a pair of size 8 jeans but to get healthy...to avoid ending up in a cardiac ward and being dependant on others.

I was suppose to train with candice tonight...but after travelling for most of the day i am just to buggered....but tomorrow morning i will weigh in and its back to my calorie cycling and recommitting to the exercise program candice has written for me.

Tomorrow i want to go shopping too...is. want new bedding...new quilt, quilt cover and sheets. I also wanna get some new running bare clothes.

Hoping tomorrow i can get in for a PT session. Time for action and back to saving my life!

CLOSED

I have decided that it is time to close this old faithful blog down. Blogger is a lil bit old hat these days, and I have too many social networking sites. As tumblr has a huge weight loss/fitblr community I am going to stick with that so will no longer be posting on here (I wont delete the journal tho) I will also no longer be posting on my fb group and that I will be deleting. If you do want to keep following me you can find me at http://kazzsjourney.tumblr.com - that is the only place I will be writing and updating on my weight loss journey. Peace :)

I realised something today....Ive stopped living and am really just existing again. Going back a few years ago I did a couple of trips to Sydney...one of them I climbed the Harbor Bridge...the other I did Adventure Caving. Right now I feel too sluggish to do anything so vigorous, yet i am at a similar as I was then when I climbed the bridge. Not only is my food lacking (or overly abundant)....my exercise out of a routine....ive come to exist again. No longer thinking...I want to meet someone and doing all I can to be the person someone would like to meet....no longer getting out there in the fresh air...no longer being the best person I can be....it seems crazy that I am so far from who I was when I was 79 kilos and happy.

But the truth is...I have done this before...I am not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly be the person I was 3 years ago. But I can take steps each day to being what I was.

Ive said it often that finding the MFP forums was bad for me. There is a lot of boasting on there..."I eat ice cream every day and can still lose 1 pound a week" etc...for me I cannot do that...I knew what to do and what I could and couldnt do before I found MFP...but for a long time I think I have tried to figure out a way to eat treat food and still lose weight like others claim they can do. Its kinda like on MFP if you can eat high calories and lose weight your a national hero.

Now that I am getting iron injections in a few weeks time it should have me with energy levels much better in a couple of weeks time.

So the aim in Sydney is not to be a sloth lol...to get out there and do stuff (thinking the zoo one day)....a friend and I are going to climb mt lofty towards the end of the month. So this is a 3 prong approach...get the food right...exercise and get out there and live more!