Such a good day :)

Today is one of my days off. I was at the gym by 7.30am for a PT session lol.

So the good parts of the day! Firstly....I was wearing a new lorna jane tank top. Size large. I love this style that they do...I have 3...two are blue...one has the saying "say yes to adventures" (this is the one I wore) I also have another mint green one that says "werk werk werk" so firstly super happy that it fitted! And it fitted well.

Then my PT session....we (as in I lol) did a "fitter faster stronger" workout. It was 2 rounds of 12 dumbbell thrusters, 6 burpees and 20 deadlifts....and it was 4 rounds of that. Then it was 4 rounds of 3 reps of front squats. The pretty much turned into a tutorial part of the session as I had never done them before...so that all went well :)

Then the rest of the session 3 rounds....with first round 10 reps, then 12 reps then 15 reps. So it was leg press machine (I did 160 kilos in the end - which is a lot for me!) then trx squat jumps, 200 metre row then 20 step overs the rowing machine. And lastly a 50 second wall squat phew!

Anyway whilst in PT a gym member came up and commented on my weight loss :) and then candice (my trainer) and i briefly chatted about how ive been finding the sessions lately (which ive been loving cos i feel like im accomplishing so much now) and she wanted to know if i was feeling fitter and stronger? I told her yes. She then commented (and I hadnt even noticed this) but she commented that i rarely complain of back pain now so obviously my core is stronger, my form has improved and the way i move has improved she also commented that she has noticed that i seem fitter too :)

She then also asked when I was going away and I explained its 5 weeks away....so by the gym scales i was 110.9 kilos this morning (I was under 110 kilos on my scales this morning) and we agreed to really focus over these 5 weeks and try to get down to 105 kilos by then. Which would be AMAZING!! That would mean I have lost over 20 kilos this year...and wow 105 kilos by the end of the year should mean in the first few months of next year I should get down to double digits.

So overall a really good GYM day. Tonight I am making "cheesy rice slice" for dinner.

Have a good weekend all!!!

Update/Weigh in day

So time for a update! So much with my weight loss journey has changed.

So firstly I am no longer doing equalution and instead I am doing weight watchers. The reason for changing was a lot of things. The catalyst was the last 3 weeks of equalution I was losing very small amounts (average of 200 grams per week) and I thought I can lose 200 grams per week on my own...I dont need to pay someone $60 a week to accomplish that. I also felt they didnt listen to me when I told them I thought we should look at lowering calories and that I was finding it very hard to stay motivated when it was such small amounts.

So the reason I decided to do weight watchers mainly stemmed from the online community weight watchers has, both on the app and on instagram. When I lost my weight last time I met a group of local girls thru the weight watcher forums, and we use to socialise and I also met a great network of people from all over australia and NZ and I have been missing that network support. So that was the initial reason for doing it, then when I put in the food I have been eating into the WW tracker i was eating way over the points they recommend! So I decided to stick to the daily points.I was down yesterday like 2.7 kilos but then today (which is my official weigh in day) after melbourne cup day hijinks my loss was only 700 grams! But still happy...I feel this amount of food is where I need to be.

Also I had started to notice that I was wanting to eat more whole foods then I was on equalution. I dont want to eat chocolate and icecream every night after dinner. Instead of feeling like a treat they came to be things I just expected.

So anyway yes...weight watchers!!

Exercise wise I have been really doing some hard sessions lately and definitely had some wins :)
I told my trainer I want to do the fitter, faster, stronger goodlife challenge next year and so I need to be fitter and stronger to be at the level to do this. So my workouts have definitely got harder and focused more towards heavier lifting. But in this time I can suddenly do things i could never do before (even at 79 kilos). I can now do a burpee...not perfect but ive never been able to the movement and now i can....my planks have improved so much i no longer do a basic plank...I can do commandos....I can skip.....its crazy how much I have improved lately!!

As of this morning I was 110.5 kilos....I am hoping to have a real solid loss this week and get back under 109 kilos.

Not much else to say...will be back more regularly tho :)

Weekly Reflections #5

Weighed in this morning and gained 200 grams, with a small drop in centimetres.

I have stuck to my eating plan, drank my 4-4.5 litres of water and got enough sleep and its also not hormonal. Either it comes down to my calories need lowering or i am just retaining some fluid.

So will stick to the same calories and macros and we will see how the scales are going at the end of the week.

I also went back to the gym this week....so I did SOME exercise this week where as I hadnt for a while. I did 2 x 30 minute walks. Then wednesday I did a PT session which was a cardio session and super intensive....I was huffing and puffing the entire session lol. Then thursday I did another session which was predominantly weights. So this week is me trying to get back into the gym side of things. The aim is to do 2 PT sessions and 2 sessions on my own and trying to do as much walking as i can (think i might do some walks from work to home)

I did post recently about excess skin surgery and thought I would update on that a lil. I was finding my brain was umming and ahhing over this decision constantly. Like I am so far from saying "yes i will do it" and i was starting to get concerned that if i decided not to do the surgery that i would get in a headspace of not wanting to get to goal. So for the moment i decided to focus simply getting to goal, with the healthiest body fat percent and also the fittest...so if I do end up going thru any surgeries Ill have the best chance with recovery. But for the moment any thought about it is off the table.

Today was footy pie day at work...so I fitted into my calories/macros for the day a meat pie and a krispy kreme donut...omg so yummy ;) Tuesday night I am going out for dinner with a friend and will be having pizza so a few meals out this week...not sure how the  scales will like that...but will just do my best :)

Excess Skin Surgery

Whilst I still have a way to go with my weight loss. Loose skin is becoming more obvious and the question of excess skin surgery has been something I am giving thought to.

I will say....right now I am OPEN to it but I have in no way decided I am definitely getting it done.

At this stage my focus is obviously the weight loss, getting my body fat as low as healthily possible (Ive read the lower the body fat....the less liposuction which will make recovery easier) and getting fit as possible.

I went to have a surgery a few years ago and the doctor at the pre op appointment told me that being as I was so fit would help my surgery recovery...he compared surgery to putting your body thru a marathon...so the fitter you are the more likely you are to have a better recovery.

When I lost my weight all those years ago I was very against skin surgery. One of the big reasons was the pure thought of surgery. I know a lot of people think its something that they think is just logical...lose a huge amount of weight....get skin surgery, but for someone who has a real phobia for needles and all things hospitals its something I consider a huge decision. The thought of handing myself over to someone to cut my skin, fat, muscles when I dont have a medical illness is a HUGE consideration. Along with that is the recovery, I live alone and whilst I am sure I would cope....its not a ideal situation.

Money. Ahhhh money. It will be a VERY expensive exercise. When you take into account 12 months of private health insurance, gap fees (presuming it gets approved by medicare) if I was to go whole hog and get my boobs, tummy tuck and arms done I would be spending AT LEAST $10-$15k...possibly higher.

I have been doing research and am in some facebook groups reading up. I have noticed there is certainly a number of times people are having to get revisions done because they have not been happy with the outcome, I also think....no matter how much surgery....my body will never be what i honestly want it to be. There will always be more that needs to be done and I certainly dont want to get stuck into a plastic surgery cycle.

That said....I have seen some people get surgery....and have incredible recoveries.

When I lost my weight previously while I did occassionally get rashes the skin to me is more the impact it has on me mentally. I dont want to get down to my goal weight and think i REFUSE to have surgery but psychologically i am super unhappy with my body as it is. If I got down to my goal weight and the excess skin I felt I could deal with and didnt cause me mentally any issues then I wouldnt see a real reason to get the surgery.

So as you can see, I have a lot of mixed thoughts about the surgery (and I am sure I will get people saying just get the surgery....I just dont believe the decision is as simple as that)...keep tuned for future posts....as I slowly come to more conclusions on this topic.

Weekly Reflections #4

Weighed in and lost 3.5 kilos :) Taking me back to 109.5 kilos!!!

The week went really well. Getting back on track early in the week I was feeling peckish but the last few days not feeling peckish at all!!! I have noticed the last couple of weeks I am feeling much more active. For a while there (ok heck of a long time) any spare time I had I just wanted to sit in front of the tv chilling out, now I notice I am getting restless. I wanna throw on some clothes I love and get out there and do stuff.

Today I went shopping. When in melbourne I bought some tight fitting light coloured tops and I needed to buy some white or flesh coloured bras...so I went bra shopping. Bought 3 - all fit - size 16DD and trust me it wont be long till I am in a D cup :) One is a basic bone coloured one, one is a white sports bra and the other is a super fancy blue/steel coloured one with lace and not a super thick strap. I then also bought a summer dress from target - its a size 18 super pretty and while it doesnt fit me yet it hopefully will by summer. I also got a pair of knee length denim shorts, and 3 tops - I have attached a pic of the shorts and 3 of the tops.

A big decision was made this week. I wont go into all the reasons, but I have decided to stop personal training.  Over the last 11-12 weeks mostly due to sickness I havent been doing PT and I am still progressing so I dont feel it is necessary. I will go back to the gym in time but I am not rushing back. Tomorrow night and sunday night I am planning to go walking after work with a friend. I think PT has a lot of benefits but its very costly, especially doing it twice a week and in all honesty I didnt feel my trainer was as invested anymore. But its all good...its money I can either leave in the bank, or spend on clothes or my hair or whatever or save towards excess skin surgery (no guarantee on this but I am open to skin surgery)

Not a real lot else to say....heres to another good week :)

Goals

On the weekend I was thinking..."why after 3-4 years of being unsuccessful at weightloss why since October 2 2016 did I suddenly manage to get back on track and start to get this weight moving"

Theres probably a lot of reasons why, but the one that really struck me was goals.

Late last year when I go back on track it was very up and down initially. Then xmas came...and I decided come Deccember 26 I was getting back on track. I was all pumped. And on boxing day morning I definitely woke up committed. January 1 was coming and I knew it was the perfect time to set some goals.

I set some big goals. One was that I wanted to get to double digits and one to lose 30 kilos.

These were big goals...goals I quite possibly wont meet. Getting to double digits is possible but getting to 30 kilos is not likely. Once I had those goals I ended up making smaller goals. In the first few months of the year it was to lose 2.5 kilos per month, and I met those goals the first few months.

Then I set a goal to be under 110 kilos by July 3. I didnt make it...I got close (before a gain). Was I disappointed? Well actually no. Of course I would have loved to hit that goal, but having that goal in mind in the months leading up to July 3, kept me on track. Setting goals and accepting you may not hit them but by keeping your eye on the prize will help you get as close to possible to that goal for me is definitely motivating and helpful.

Its something I highly recommend. Set a goal that you believe is very attainable and then set a second goal that is hard to achieve....if you dont reach that goal its ok...but working to get as close as possible to that goal will help you keep motivated and on track.

So what are my current goals? I want by November 17 to be under 105 kilos. By December 19 I want to be as close to double digits as possible (fingers cross ill be double digits - what a xmas present to me that would be!)

Weekly Reflection #3

So today was weigh in day ... and it wasnt good! lol

Heres the situation...Ive been sick. Whilst I am getting better I am just coming to the end of the second week of being sick. This week I have been on a plethora of medications...antibiotics, panadeine forte, dimmetapp, nasonex, otrivan, ointment for my eye for conjunctivitis, tilade and ventolin! I also didnt drink much water this week and I am hormonally challenged today ;)...needless to say....I gained 4 kilos this week! Eek!

Am i stressed over it? No. I know its fluid from my cycle, lack of water and medications. Right now I am off most of the medications...just on tilade, ventolin, dimmetapp, nasonex and panadeine forte.  Today I have also got back into my water....4.5 litres drank today (which is what i normally drink) and to be honest my focus this week was just to get better.

But its a new fresh week - my aim is to knock of most of the gain I had this week. Which is a big ask considering it was 4 kilos! But if I can knock off two of it I would be happy...so aiming to be under 111 kilos this friday. My cycle has arrived but by friday I should have got rid of most of the fluid.

Not really a lot else to say as spending most of the week in bed makes for a boring week!

Enjoy this coming week all :)

Fitness Goals

So I am still sick. Admittedly not as sick as last week....but at that point where the sickness has just drained me....and just getting thru my days is my number one goal. Today I go back to the docs to check what the results of my blood test for vitamin D was....and if it is low (as I suspect it is) I will find out how much vitamin D supplements he wants me to take. I also have not been taking my iron supplements. I havent taken them for a few years to be honest. So I am back taking them as well.

Anyways, seeing as my immune system isnt 100% at the moment I have taken a break from the gym. I want to fix my immune system and then get back to exercise. One of the things I have thought about a lot lately is what do i HONESTLY want from a gym routine. Like okay we go to the gym to lose weight but long term what is it I want? Like do i want to become a power lifter, or a runner or whatever. Not being at the gym these past few weeks its really given me a chance to think about that. And heres my answer....my honest true ultimate "fitness goals" is to be more active outdoors. And what I mean by that is....when I go to streaky bay for xmas (most years) I usually go to the beach for a bit and do boogy boarding which I really enjoy. But I would like to do more then that...year round....Id like to go kayaking, maybe take some surfing lessons, go hiking/bushwalking. A few years ago (like I think 2012) I went adventure caveing at the Janelon Caves I did a beginners caveing adventure - Id like to go back and try a intermediate one, id like to go hot air ballooning. So more then being stuck in a gym....I want to be in the outdoors going on "adventures"

I am about 10 kilos away from being double digits. One of my goals from day one of this journey in 2006 has been running. I got into running in 2012 and actually ran the city to bay in adelaide (a 12km run) but since then I have had a couple of falls on treadmills and so refuse to go on them now. But my plan is once I am down to double digits to start to do the couch 2 5km. My plan is to do it outdoors (where I work is 10 minutes from the torrens river so i think the plan will be to do it around there) I want to get to a point where a 10km run is just my thing and I could plan weekends away around running races

As to "the gym" what is my plan? Well since I want to get my immune system in tip top shape and i dont think intense workouts are the way to go im not planning to go back to the gym for a while. I am thinking the earliest will be January. My plan is tho once I am over this illness is to start walking home from work 2-3 times a week. So hopefully i can start that within a few weeks. In a ideal world...I wont lie....my preference would be to do either crossfit or F45. The more I watch these types of workouts the more I am inclined to be interested in training this way. I have been following a crossfitter on instagram and you tube by the name of craig richey. And i have just found it so motivatng. Whilst when i go to the gym and do 2 PT sessions a week is great....going and doing sessions by myself i struggle with. Like its not that im alone (in most ways i work better that way!) its more having structure to be making progress. Sure I can go and do 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of strength training...but am I progressing session to session? Or am I just repeating the same thing I am doing week after week?

When I think what would I love to be able to do in the gym? Its not for me about lifting the heaviest weight...Id like to be able to do pullups (and variations of this)....to do a handstand...to do a walking handstand...to do box jumps....to do yoga moves

Its taken a LONG time to come to these conclusions. As you can see none of this is about how I look. Back in 2008 when I first joined fernwood if you had asked me what it is I want out of the gym my answer would have been "to lose weight and look good". Even a year ago if you had asked me it would have been "to minimise my excess skin" now both those reasons are still valid but they are not the main reason....the main reason is so i can do a pull up or handstand and be fit and healthy enough to get outdoors and have my adventures.

Weekly Reflection #2

Well...I have been sick as a dog this week! Started out with pharyngitis...then sinusitis...then got conjunctivitis on top of it lol

I havent worked all week altho I will go back on monday...today is the first day I have felt any improvement. My ears are still blocked....my eye still sore (I am wearing sunglasses 24/7 at the moment as they seem very sensitive to light) and my nose is still blocked but by keeping up nasal sprays thats become tolerable.

I also found this week my stomach was getting full very quickly. Which has meant its taken me a long time to eat some meals and getting my water in a struggle. But for the most part I have got my water in (only didnt yesterday)

So my loss for this week was.....*drumroll* 1.8 kilos!!! So I dropped down to 109 kilos. Crazy to think its less then 10 kilos till I will be double digits. This week tho I wont expect a big loss. My cycle is about to happen and i am just drained from this illness...I will be wrapped if I manage a 500 gram loss this week.

On friday when I went to the docs I asked him why I have been getting sick so often lately, he believes its from low vitamin D. So I ended up having a blood test and go back friday for the results. Because of this I have decided...if my doc confirms it is low vitamin D and i am guessing i will start taking supplements of vit D, but until I get my vitamin D level to normal levels I wont be going to the gym. It will be a lot more beneficial if I just get out and walk in the sunshine. So my plan is to walk home from work (which takes about a hour) most days. I need to get over this current illness....and once I am done with that ill build up the walking to 4-5 days per week.

Not a lot else going on - have a good weekend all :)

Regret

If someone asks....do you have any regrets? A lot of people would say...no....no regrets cos everything in my past made me the person I am today. And that is a very true way to think. And I agree with this MOSTLY

But if you were to ask me "do you regret anything in your life?" I would say yes. I regret not standing up for myself enough.

There is a very definite memory in my brain of when I was about 16. My mum wanted me to buy a "going out outfit" so we had gone to the local big shopping centre. There was me, my mum, prolly my sister and my step dad. Now my mum always thought I didnt behave like a "lady". Now the important point is - I had no desire to be a "lady". I was constantly told "Ladies dont talk like that Karyn" or "stop doing that its not lady like" Me? No im not lady like. I would say I am a person full of contradictions. I would describe myself as tomboy-ish...I wear jeans and tshirts but I love a pretty dress on occassion...I dont wear make up unless going out....but I love pink and am obsessed with unicorns....I can get in on the smut talk as good as any guy....but I know how to say please and thank you and would always aim to treat everyone as kind as I can. I am many things but I am not lady like. So anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are at a clothes store....my STEPFATHER sees a outfit....its a gray skirt (puke), a pink and white striped shirt and a gray jacket. And they decide its the perfect outfit for me. I hated it. Hated everytime I had to put it on. And this is where regret kicks in - I knew I hated it but I went along with it. "yeah sure its nice" Why did I not say no its not for me? One i think cos i never felt anything I wanted to wear would get approval by them. Two I didnt want the conflict and three I just didnt feel I was "allowed" to be the true me. So they bought that blooming outfit and I wore it as little as possible.

I never felt I was truly me till I came out to my mum and her husband. Now this did not go well lol (understatement of the year actually!) I was told they didnt want me to talk about anyone I was dating in front of them, when I had a girlfriend flying in to visit me one time my mum told me "you know you wont be able to hold her hand" I never stood up for myself and said well this is me accept me or not. Instead I just avoided them.

My regret is not simply standing up for me....and having that big conversation and saying "this is me....accept me as I am or dont be part of my life" And I am not simply talking about being gay...I mean about the clothes I wear, about being "lady like", about not pressuring me to make purchases I didnt want to make and living my life my way not their way.

So is this a case now I have regrets of being angry and letting it negatively impact my life. No, its being aware of those regrets and ensuring those ways of thinking dont impact my life these days. Apart from doing what I am told to do at work lol...I live my life my way these days, with my rules and my expectations.

Weekly Reflection #1

So once again I have been slack posting! But....I have plans to change that :) From now on I am planning to do a weekly post titled "weekly reflection" which will be a wrap up of the week I just had and then 1-2 posts during the week on "topics". These are not topics where I am saying people should do this or that but simply reflections on my journey, things I have noticed, more aware of or trying to change. In the past my journal was too much "i went to the gym and ate this many calories" so the journal will be different and in time I want to put it on its own domain....but for now heres my first weekly reflection....

So this week was amazeballs! I weigh in on friday mornings and 1 week ago I weighed 113.8 kilos. And this week I was 110.8 kilos :) I stuck to my plan 100% and did 2 PT sessions. ( My gym attendance definitely needs improving!) I also went out on sunday for Pizza with my friend Tania so really cannot complain.

So that loss meant I hit a few goals. Firstly it means I FLEW past 60 kilos lost from my highest weight and put me at 62.3 kilos. Since I started with equalution (I started March 21) I have lost 12 kilos and since I got back on track last October 2 I have lost a total 22.8 kilos.

I have a few goals coming up too....getting under 110 kilos has been a bit of a dream for quite a few years. I remember when I gained my weight back....getting over 110 kilos it felt like overnight I got fat (obviously thats not true...its more a mindset thing) So as well as getting under 110 kilos...the next goal would be getting to 108.6 kilos by October 2. Managing to do that would mean I lost 25 kilos over the last 12 months.

My goal for the coming week is just to lose 500 grams after such a big loss this week...so we are gunning for 110.3 kilos :)

Update July 16 2017

I have been a lil absent of late...not just on this blog....but no weight loss/fitness talk on instagram/fb etc either.

As it turns out I have been sick. I had laryngitis & pharyngitis and whilst most of that is gone...I still have a hoarse voice and a cough which just wont quit.

Its been hard....getting thru my days. I cough so much its tiring....and as I work in a call centre...talking with a hoarse voice is super tiring as well.

So the gym has not been possible :( its been over 3 weeks since I have done any form of exercise. (Even a small walk to a different room in the house and I am coughing)

I am currently into week 4 of this illness and my doctor has told me it could be up to 8 weeks till i am over this. During the second week (which was when I was SUPPOSE to go to sydney) I got very disappointed. Disappointed I couldnt make the trip and that it felt like my weight loss was on hold. So I did have a couple of days of track. They werent binges....but i wasnt on track. I had got down to 113.5 kilos and ended up back at 117.5 kilos.

Since then I have been sticking to the eating plan but not drinking all my water (Im just plain too tired) and sucking on a LOT of soothers everyday.

Anyway I went to my doc on friday night (he knows my weight loss history) and told him I need to be able to stop relying on the soothers as its too many calories. So I am already taking somac ( for silent reflux) and ventolin, but also now he put me on another puffer called tilade and to help minimise the cough I am now taking panadeine forte 3 times a day. When I had a cough that lasted about 3 months in 2014 i took the same thing to help. So far today no lozenges :) The only problem with panadeine forte is i do retain fluid from it...but hopefully my body will adapt and not retain too much fluid.

Ive been very much of the attitude I guess...no exercise so not likely i can lose weight. But today Ive decided enough is enough. Going by my doctor its not likely I will be back at the gym till late august/early september...So friday I was 117.2 kilos...I am going to set a goal by the time I go back to the gym to be back at 113.5 kilos. 6 weeks to lose 3.7 kilos should hopefully be doable. It would still give me a chance to eat my year end goal of being double digits. So sticking to my plan and going back to drinking 4 litres water per day.

This is one of those points where the mentality side of weight loss is a HUGE factor. I mean it is always a huge factor but at the moment it feels a bigger part. Specially when all I really want to do is go back to the gym!!

Last night I went and saw the musical "Matilda" which was fabulous. I bought a XL ladies t shirt from it as well....it doesnt fit me yet....but its another goal :)

As i always promise i will be back posting more regularly! lol i promise! ;)

Weight loss struggles :)

I keep promising to be better at blogging but then keep forgetting! LOL. Admittedly my computer died and I have only just bought a new one the last few days.

I did want to write a post about the struggle. I am not struggling currently - I am doing remarkbly well :) and its fabulous when you read a blog and see someone succeeding - but there is usually a significant number of people reading that blog that are searching for answers with their struggling.

Now, I am in no way saying I have the answers. I have a experience and am going to talk about my own experience with struggling.

As most know I lost 94 kilos between 2006-2011. Life was great. I felt fit (altho admittedly I was definitely over exercising). My goal was to get to 76 kilos...I got to 79 kilos and after months of being stuck there I decided that was my number and I was going to stop losing weight.

So if you are going into "maintenance" surely you have a plan right? Nope. No plan. My only plan was to be "normal" and just eat. Over the next 6 months or so I gained about 7 kilos back but I was still pretty happy with where I was at, but there was definitely some guilt starting in the back of my mind.

Then life decided to smack me in the face. Mum passed away, then 3 months later I broke my wrist (probably the biggest factor in losing my motivation), a good friend passed away and then my house was broken into - all in a matter of 13 months.

Weight loss became a minor priority. I was still going to the gym (altho the trainer I had at the time was a hinderance more then anything) my eating was getting more and more out of control. The more it got out of control and the bigger I got - the more negative feelings I had about myself. I was not only suddenly over 100 kilos, but I had gone from the confident "i love my life" person to a person filled with guilt, feeling ashamed and humiliated.

I really hated the person I was becoming and how I felt. My fitness was slowly going downhill, I started stepping away from my friends, social media - everything! I remember one night going thru my facebook and deleting over 100 people of it! As most know ... when you lose weight/gain weight ...the more you hide....the bigger you become. When eating and tv watching is your solace...there is no where to go then for the scales to go up!

So how did I get myself back on track? Honestly there was no step by step plan...but looking back now I can see how I managed to do it.

Initially it started with me acknowledging that i was humiliated/embarrassed/ashamed....I was playing around with you tube back in those days and ended up making a video where basically I admitted it (the video no longer exists). I put it out there...that i was embarresed and humiliated. Putting it out there was the first step. I had previously been the weight loss queen...I lost my identity somewhere along the way and I just needed to admit where things stood.

I made that video over a year ago. Not long after I decided I needed a clean slate and left the gym I was going too. I decided to join a local goodlife....I had for a short period time a few years earlier attended there and even had a personal trainer. The personal trainer was great so I contacted her to see if she would train me again - thankfully she said yes :)

Initially when I went back to the gym in May 2016 I had only one goal. After 6-12 months of skipping the gym a LOT, I decided the only goal at this point was to attend the PT sessions, and only skipping the session when I was on deaths doorstep! lol I did pretty good with this. I rarely missed any sessions. WINNING.

Whilst I was doing the PT sessions I was still gaining weight. By September 2016 I hit my highest in the regain of weight of 133.6 kilos. Once again I decided to try and get myself on track. I lost a few kilos and decided to join the gyms 8 week challenge. I started it and got to about week 7 and then lost the plot. I had got down to about 123 kilos and then regained over a few weeks to 129 kilos.

A few weeks after the challenge I had a BIG chat with my trainer and we made some changes, we decided she would send me workouts for when I am in the gym when I am there for no PT session, we would weigh weekly and I would try and get back on track (this was around December 18 2016)

I kinds got on track. It was xmas time after all. So by January 1 I was down to 126.1 kilos. At this time I decided to do the gyms 12 week challenge which started in March, and also my trainer mentioned a company she had heard of called Equalution.

I started the 12 week challenge having lost a few more calories. I was pumped. I had the meal plan and followed it to a T. That first week I lost 3 kilos (woo hoo) but over the next 3 weeks I was slowly gaining it back. I was SO frustrated. I knew I was eating what I was told to eat, I knew I was exercising - but in all honesty just wasnt feeling this eating program was right for me.

I felt I needed a program that was quite specific in telling me what to eat but I knew I needed to eat foods I enjoy. For a few months I had been researching Equalution. I read thru their entire facebook page, checked out the #equalution hash tag on instagram and read thru their website. My gut instinct was to try Equalution but it was expensive and I wasnt positive it would work for me. But then one morning I woke and knew it was what I needed to try. So i messaged my trainer and told her my plan, and signed up for Equalution.

I can now say (I am on week 14) without a doubt it has been the best decision i have EVER made.

Prior to equalution I was very restrictive with my food, eating low calories, not eating grains in the evenings, not eating processed meats, not eating asian sauces, restricting dairy (specifically cheese), vigilantly monitoring my sodium.

I never felt satisfied. I was always hungry and looking for new ways I could fit more foods into my limited calorie budget. I would often eat well for a few days and then binge.

I decided on a thursday to start Equalution the following monday and in the two days before that I definitely binged. From memory it was pizza, garlic bread, chips, and chocolate.

I started on that monday morning March 20. From my very first day I have never felt a inclination to go off track (trust me this has NEVER happened to me before), I was eating yummy foods, healthy and considered not so healthy. I noticed not only was I losing on the scales and centimetres I was developing a better relationship with food. I wasnt worried when something was high in sodium or wasnt concerned when I ate pasta in the evening :) Things were going great and continue to go great.

So how did I get back on track in the end? I identified the "emotional issue" that was preventing me of being productive and proactive, I got the exercise in check and then I eventually found what worked for me nutrition wise. What works for me wont necessarily work for you - thats the most important thing - find what works for you (from the girl who was previously considering weight loss surgery!)

Sunday June 4 2017

So I weighed in on Friday morning and gained 500 grams taking me back to 114.5 kilos, but the girls think that is related to a increase in cortisol from returning to the gym - so all good.

While I returned to the gym this week I only did my PT sessions (slack kazz!) but this week I really need to get my chit together. I am going to try for monday-thursday then next sunday night. I must admit with it being so cold at the moment...Im not inclined to want to go to the gym...instead I just want to go home and get warm and watch TV. But this weight loss is a priority so need to get my ass into gear.

I was thinking this week about how when I gained the weight over the last 4-5 years how I "hid". I deleted a lot of people off facebook (like I am talking well over 100 in one sitting, not cos they did anything wrong but simply cos I felt humiliated). Gaining the weight was really embarrassing, and I dont think until recently I realised how much it impacted me. My blog was a big part of my journey, but then i went on a hiatus....for a long time now I have kept my facebook very locked down and only really been publicly on instagram. Its a lot easier on instagram....its a pic with a small caption. I am not sitting there writing about my journey and all the feels that come with it. But that said I think its start to come out of the social media ban more. My facebook group I deleted at the time and I have not been very active on - but want to get more active on it (If interested in following it the link is https://www.facebook.com/kazzsjourney/Kazzs Journey  or simply search for "kazzs journey" on facebook. There were goals years ago...to become a personal trainer....to have a supportive website (forums etc) for people to get support on weight loss journeys especially 100+ kilos....and i would have eventually liked to do meetups in different states and maybe even NZ too...those goals have been dormant for a LONG time! I didnt even realise those goals were still there. At the moment my focus is on me....and getting back to a healthy weight....but they are definitely goals that are way more in the forefront of my brain. (Maybe even a ebook about my journey down the path?) So yes I plan to be a lot more prominant on facebook...instagram....and maybe at some point you tube.

Tomorrow I am off and will be spending most of the day watching my niece play netball as part of sapsasa. Its so cold here I think I am gonna have to rug up super warm! I will also be taking my meals and snacks...so no going off track. Interestingly since I started doing Equalution (I am in week 12) I have only eating lunch out once...(and that day I forgot my chicken for the day) every other day has been a lunch I have prepped at home and have only eaten dinner out twice....I think both these things have helped me with my losses (cos lets face it I am not a speedy loser!)

So if you want to follow me on any social media here is how you can find me:

My Fitness Pal : My username is itskazzsjourney
Facebook: The url is https://www.facebook.com/kazzsjourney/
Instagram: My username is kazzsjourney

Right off to do some work :)

Update :) May 28 2017

I swear everytime I update this blog its a case of "Been forever since I posted" lol I am such a slack blogger ;)

My weight loss is going good. As of my weigh in on friday I was down to 114 kilos :) Late September last year I was 133.6 kilos and on January 1 I was 126.1 kilos so super happy with that number. My goal of being double digits this year is certainly do able,

I am still doing flexible dieting thru Equalution and it is going very well. Exercise wise tho I haven't been 100% the last 10 days or so, so apart from the occassional walk I haven't done any exercise for about 10 days. But back to it all tomorrow. The weight loss has stalled the last week or so which I am putting down to lack of exercise so hopefully that will start progressing again.

I am also still eating 2000 calories a day...so losing while eating this much is great. I must admit tho I drink a LOT of water LOL....5 litres per day to be exact :)

Its funny when you gain weight (for me anyway) I stop caring...like watching tv and pigging out on food is the priority and things like taking care of myself, my home, socialising etc they all take a back seat. And its funny especially the last few weeks I have noticed I am wanting to get my life more on track.

My hair has not been cut for months (not since last october)...the eyebrows have not been waxed....I have not bought many clothes. I have been saying for like a year I need a new mattress....and I have neglected any thoughts of getting out there dating and socialising.

So I have been back on pink sofa and also another site called zoosk. For once I have been actually messaging some girls. I would like to make some friends...as well as maybe start having the occassional date. Of course then when I start to think about dating....well the house needs thoughts. I dont have a dining room table (and really no room for one) but I dont even have a coffee table...IF i did date someone how could I invite them over for dinner? lol I need a coffee table at least...I want to brighten the house up....get a new mattress (lol)....just sort of get my chit together lol.

So next week I will organise a hair dressers appointment and will try and get my eyebrows waxed tomorrow :)

I do get my bonus from work shortly....so some of that will be used for "getting my chit together" lol

Its also just over 5 weeks till i go to Sydney! I am so excited for this trip. I am hoping by then I will be under 110 kilos....but no matter what...Ill be a lot closer to fitting nicely into a seat then the last time I flew :)

Whilst over there i have a few things planned. I am getting a Dexa scan done...I am planning to go to taronga zoo....and hoping to get some walks in as well....and the other super exciting thing is I am going to be catching up with my best friend from primary school/highschool...its about 25+ years since we have seen each other so that will be super exciting :)

Also after YEARS of not going to see musicals cos I was worried about fitting in the seats....I have booked to go see "Matilda" with a friend of mine. So we are heading off to do that on July 15.

TV show wise I am totally addicted to Wentworth....if you watch it I am so heart broken over Bridget (and have a major crush on Libby Tanner lol) ... I am also watching All Saints...which I have never seen before...definitely overdosing on Libby Tanner at the moment haha :)

So back to the gym tomorrow...I will have a PT session. Time to knuckle down!

Business end of easter :)

Happy easter all!

I have done superwell and hit a new low this morning of 116.8 kilos - amazing!

I love how well I am currently doing. Which I put mostly down to doing "iifym" - otherwise known as "if it fits in your macros". I think I previously mentioned I go thru a company called Equalution. They have me on high calories (2100 cals a day).  They give me a meal plan each week which is pretty high in protein but also incorporates things like home made chicken burgers, pizza, chicken carbonara - which I love I just dont have a desire at all to go off track. And each week I can tell them of any "food requests" which they incorporate into my meal plan. Like this week being Easter I asked them to incorporate hot cross buns....so I have had a hot cross bun with butter each day...completely guilt free which has allowed me to participate in the same thing as my co workers and not feel I am missing out.

Its been really free-ing. After years of micromanaging my nutrition....having a certain number of grain free meals per day, watching my sodium, cutting out certain products and only going for "healthy options" when eating out....I am getting that in moderation no food is bad.

The other week I went out for dinner so they did what they call a "social adjustment" - so I basically sent them a menu of the restuarant I was going too, told them what I would prefer to have and they worked out my days eating - by dinner time that night I am eating half a 12 inch bbq chicken pizza :)

So yes its all going well...I had hot cross buns....i had a few bits of chocolate...I really cannot complain....and at the business end of the easter weekend i am very happy.

Mentally I am in a good place as well. As i gained the weight between 2013-2016 i really felt a lot of shame. I was the "weight loss queen" an inspiration to so many and then suddenly I lost it and was a obese woman lacking control. I am still classified as obese but I dont feel obese. I am active. Really starting to make progress with my fitness and strength. I eat well...binge free...and have a real good nice balance of moderation.

At this age I have also realised so much the importance of health. I am 49 its prolly a age where you are more inclined to get some kind of illness. I am hoping by the end of the year to be what I consider "healthy" - I felt healthy when in the 90 kilo range. I often had people comment you look like you weigh less then how ever much I weighed. When I look back at photos at the time....no I wasnt a size 10...I was a size 14-16 in clothes but I felt and looked good...and i really had a healthy appearance.

At this stage i am super keen to get under 110 kilos. Not because of clothes or anything but because I remember going from 109 to 111 kilos and it was like over night i was like...woah ive really gained weight....when under 110 kilos while i knew i had gained weight it didnt at this point feel like it was out of control.

Okay enough rambling! Have a good night all :)

Weigh in day :)

Wooop! wooop! Super successful weigh in day....lost 1.4 kilos :) Down to a new low since i got back on track of 117.3 kilos. So, so happy with that....I think drinking 3 litres of water a day definitely made a difference.

So I dont think I have posted about my goals for this year. There is one main one...to get to double digits/lose 30 kilos. So on January 1 I weighed 126.1 kilos...if I lose 30 kilos I will be around 96 kilos....but as long as I am under 100 kilos I will consider it a successful year! So I need to be as close to 10 kilos lost by end of April as possible....so I have lost 8.8 kilos so far this year. So the goal is to lose another 1.2 kilos by april 30. My cycle is due ..... but fingers crossed I can still hit that goal. The goal after that is to be under 110 kilos by the time I fly to Sydney (I fly there July 3) so focus, focus, focus.

Exercise wise I did 3 sessions this week (had a migraine which meant i couldnt train last night)

My gym started open 24/7 as of tuesday....so this weekend I can try after work on saturday and sunday :)

Not really much else to say. I ate good. I drank 3 litres of water. I exercised. I lost weight lol....if only every week could be so simple!

Have a good easter all :)

Why I decided to come back to my blog

After so long without writing on here and I guess losing followers I guess the question is why I decided to get back to writing in my blog. In a lot of ways blogs are kinda old hat....people are a lot more visual these days taking to things like instagram and you tube.

I personally love instagram....its quick, fast and easy. I can snap a pic...post a sentance or two and interacted with my followers. The you tube thing I tried BUT its a lot of time and effort! I just dont really have the time for it and dont feel i have the followers base for something like that.

The blog is in between. It takes a bit of time to write up a post but it doesnt take HOURS of editing and then uploading to the net.

One of the benefits of the blog before was not only did I have a history of my weight loss journey I could read back on but it allows you to say what you are really thinking. Without looking at someones face and thinking "oh did they think i was bad for saying that" it allows you in your own space to put your own thoughts and words...in your own space.

Weight loss is such a mental journey. Hard as you try if you dont have the right mental place...then you will struggle and it is kinda like battling a up hill battle. I tried for the last few years to convince myself that i "had no option" that I had to lose the weight and had to lose it right there and then. But internally i wasnt there...I could say those words to myself but in all honesty i didnt believe it. Over the last few months I believe it and it is a huge priority to me at the moment, but at the same time I also understand that weight loss isnt everything...I dont want to get to the end of my life and think....wow I wasted years thinking, planning, and plotting weight loss....and I missed out on other things....I dont want that. I want to be totally dedicated to my weight loss whilst fitting in trips away, catching up with friends, having experiences while balancing out weight loss vs the fun of life.

On to weight loss....I did weigh in yesterday. I gained 100 grams but lost 1cm from my arms, waist and thighs. My week went well tho...I stuck to the eating plan 100%....I did 4 x 1 hour walks, I did 2 PT sessions and 1 session on my own (whilst dealing with a minor bout of tendonitis in my arms and a blister on my foot)...the one thing I wasnt quite on was my water. So I am back drinking 3+ litres per day.....and the scales have since dropped so hopefully that continues. On saturday I was 118.7 kilos and this morning I was sitting at 118.2 kilos :)

I definitely had some fitness milestones this week. When I went back to personal training at Goodlife last may....one of the things I couldnt do was step ups due to it hurting my knees....this week I did step ups on to a bench without holding on to anything - didnt fall once. I also tried vertical knee raises on a exercise tower....I tried this quite a few months ago and had no chance of it. This time I did manage to hold them up for about 2 seconds. My form wasnt great tho as I was hunching my shoulders....so thats something to practice....just holding myself up on that exercise tower device.

The fails was that candice tried to get me to jog on the treadmill LOL she basically started the machine said we are jogging and then I jumped off it LOL. I seriously would love to jog on a treadmill again but I am terrified of falling and injurying myself....so i just dont! LOL

Not a lot else going on...till next time :)

Back to it....

Again I am making a attempt to be more active on this blog! LOL So how am I doing, what am I doing, and what are my future plans? The current stats are that as of last friday morning (weigh in day) I was 118.6 kilos. At my highest last year I was 133.6 kilos. What I am doing nutrition wise currently is what is called "flexible dieting", I do it thru a company called equalution - here is a link to their website How it works on a weekly basis I weigh in, take progress photos and measurements and after looking at them they tell me my calories and macros (protein/carbs/fat) for the next week. They also give me a meal plan to follow, it is expensive....but so far it is working super well for me! :) Exercise wise....I walk to work 4 days per week. That takes me 60 minutes each walk. I then train with my trainer for 45 minutes twice a week and do 2 sessions per week on my own (the gym is going 24/7 next week so following that ill be able to increase it to 3 times a week) So forgetting numbers etc how am I going? In a lot of ways ridiculously well....but life is never perfect. Sadly last week a friend of mine unexpectedly passed away. Its been shocking, Martine was only a few years older then me and it really doesn't seem real. But it really makes you reflect on what is important. I am 49 now .... I cannot battle this weight loss for the rest of my life. While we always will deal with it....I dont want to be "losing it" forever...I want to get to a point of a healthy weight....and then continually monitor it in a healthy manner. At the end of last year I decided that this year I was going to throw everything at my weight loss and if I didnt lose by the end of the year....I would resign myself to spending the rest of my life overweight. But thats not good enough...if I am not at a healthy weight by the end of the year...then I will start next year by reassessing where I am with my weightloss and aiming for new goals. It has also made me start to reflect on what is important, its not important how much money i make, or what material items i own, or who is right and who is wrong....but its about the people around us, the experiences, the memories. I plan to make a much more concerted effort with my friends. I think the older we get the more walls we can tend to put up...the more we fear being vulnerable - and that has certainly happened to me. But these are things I am planning to work on. As to my fitness....it is progressing nicely. My upper body is definitely getting stronger - I am progressing well on the LAT pull down. My cardio fitness has improved nicely of late and with all the walking I am doing my endurance is also definitely improving. My trainer messaged me yesterday saying we couldnt do PT tonight as she had concusion. She messages me this morning and says did u train yesterday or today? Im like....I walked a hour yesterday and about to head to the gym soon-ish so she replies back....do some cardio for me...heres a workout....so did a cardio workout. No idea on my calorie burn tho as I have lost my fitbit charger! Argh! But I have a new ordered and I ordered a new band for it....hopefully it will arrive wednesday. If you are instagram make sure you follow me! My username is @kazzsjourney Below is my latest progress pics :) Before and current (173.1 kilos vs 118.6 kilos)

Below is January 2017 vs March 2017

March 12 2017

So last night I walked home from work and had a rice bowl for dinner (so yummy) and ate 1465 calories and the fluctuating continues lol....this morning I was back up to 120.1 kilos.

So i still woke early today and decided to walk into work (a hour walk)...I got into work...sat down for a bit...then went to walk to the kitchen and noticed the toe next to my lil toe on both feet was hurting. So i took off my shoes to investigate and i have a blister on both those toes on the underside of my toes ugh...so frustrating. I am guessing its just my feet adapting to the walking. I wear bonds socks but dont think they are the issue.

Thankfully someone from work has offered to drop me off at home tonight so i dont need to walk to the bus stop or anything. I am hoping they dont burst before i get home.

So the rest of today and tomorrow will be a rest day. I am still hopeful that the additional cardio will help to get the scales moving....I am giving it this week to see if that helps...if not....i will need to alter somethings (much to my trainers disgust, she think I am not giving my body enough time and changing things too often....ive been in this plateau since basically january 18....and in that time...ive added the cardio, cut out soy, cut calories and tried calorie cycling) yes its some changes but come on....this is now nearly 8 weeks. And i dont think when you have 40-50 kilos to lose thats really acce

One of the trainers at the gym has used a company called equalution, they follow a IIFYM thought process and he has become really shredded...my trainer tried it as well for 6 weeks...i believe she was losing each week but she thought it was too high in sugar (which i have heard other people say too) but yanno im not anti sugar lol i just want the results....and i suspect my calorie range combined with the balance of carbs vs fat vs protein may be the issue....it would be good to have guidance in this area.

If that doesnt happen and the losses dont start soon my other thought process is to do 7 days at 2000 calories and then do a slow cut back on calories....doing a refeed like that can sometimes help to get your metabolism, The strange thing is i am eating the same calories now as i was when i was around 80-85 kilos. The big difference is i am not exercising anywhere near as much....and i do think the exercise for me is a big factor but my trainer is not keen on me increasing my exercise (i have done more this weekend then she wanted me to do...but seriously something needs to change)

So there it is with all my frustrations lol. Something has to change cos it makes no sense when my calories are so low that the weight isnt dropping of me.

Anyway....a few more hours of work and then im going home to put my feet up (quite literally) and tomorrow will be a rest day (its a public holiday) most at this stage i am planning to do is washing (the joys of it all! lol)

Have a good day/night all :)